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nHere’s a couple of bad movies for you, hope you have a funntime watching some of these, mind you I said some of these, others, as I statednon part I of this article are not to be watched, EVER! Still, there’s some funnto be had here for sure, enjoy!
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nTitle: Fantastic Four (1994)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: Same as that crappy Albert Pyun CaptainnAmerica (1990) film, this Fantastic Four film produced by none other thannB-movie producer extraordinaire Roger Corman was one of Marvel Comics manynfailed attempts at breaking into the movie business. For some reason, beforenBlade (1998) and X-Men (2002) came along, Marvel had a hard time trying to getna good film made! But they tried, you gotta give them that! So this here filmnis terrible because it was obviously a film that required a bigger budget innorder to get made. Let’s face it; most of these comic book characters wouldnrequire a big budget to bring them to cinematic life! And that’s the problemnwith this here film, its budget was too limited and its special effectsnrequirements were too big! But that didn’t stop these filmmakers from makingnthis film anyways! Supposedly, according to Stan Lee himself, this film was notnmeant to be released; it was made simply so that the company who was holdingnthe rights wouldn’t loose them. The cast and crew worked on a film that was notnintended for release? Damn that sucks! So anyways, this one has to be seen tonbe believed as well. If you can get a hold of a bootleg copy of this do so,nit’s a hilarious film to watch! You’ll never see a cheaper comic book movienEVER! Situations don’t make the least bit of sense! I think the only thing theyndid get right was Dr. Doom, who looks a heck of a lot like the Dr. Doom fromnthe comics. To be honest, this film is terrible, but it had it’s heart in thenright place, and you could tell the actors were giving it their all, and theyndid kind of capture that feeling of family and light heartedness that thenFantastic Four comics always had so I’ll give it that. Hell, they even includednSue and Reed’s wedding! It looks cheap as hell, but it’s a moment. At the verynleast, it’s worth a watch.
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: The suits look like they werensewed on by an aging grandma with Alzheimer’s.
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nBad Movie Dialog: “Holy Freud Batman! I think you’re right!”
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nTitle: The Wicker Man (2006)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: Worst film of 2006 for me, and I’m surenthat I am not alone on this one either. The worst part about this film is thatnit is a remake of a truly great horror film, Robin Hardy’s The Wicker Mann(1973), considered by many to be “the Citizen Kane of horror films”. Hardy’snfilm was so freaky because it was hard to define; was it a musical? A horrornfilm? A police story? An examination of religion? At the end of the day, it wasnall those things and more. The film effectively established this incrediblyncreepy town with its creepy, ominous town folk who were obviously hidingnsomething: their extremely dangerous religious cult! So here comes the update,nand I think their first mistake was getting the often times goofy Nicolas Cagento star. Immediately Cage’s participation takes away any seriousness from thenproceedings. What unfolds is a parody of the first film with Nicolas Cageninvestigating things by screaming at everybody. nThey turned a creepy film about a crazy cult into a joke about crazy cop!nSadly, the climactic scene that shocked audiences beyond belief in the firstnfilm was reduced to a mere seconds of footage on this one…what a waste!
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When the cult is going tontorture Cage with bees and he starts screaming “Not the bees! Not the bees!nAaaah!”
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nBad Movie Dialog: “Killing me won’t bring back your goddamnnhoney!”
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nTitle: H. P. Lovecraft’s Chthulhu Mansionn(1992)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: The first thing you gotta know is that evennthough this film marketed itself on its cover as being a film inspired by H.P.nLovecraft, it actually has NOTHING at all to do with Lovecraft. I guess theynthought they would sell more video tapes if they called it ‘H.P. Lovecraft’s Chuthulhu Mansion’, which they did. You don’t see ‘Chthulhu’nanywhere on this movie! The mansion’s name is Chthulhu and they do use a booknthat has the words ‘Chthulhu’ written on its cover, but that’s about it. Theynmight as well have called it ‘The Mansion’. But whatever, sleazy marketingnaside, this is another “must watch because it’s so bad” film. It comes to usnfrom J.P Simon (a.k.a. Juan Piquer Simon) a director who has never really madenwhat I would call a ‘good’ film, still, he sure has made some entertaining ones.nEver seen that ultra gory 80’s slasher Pieces (1982)? Or perhaps the killernslugs movie Slugs (1988)? Well this is the same director who made thosenslightly more enjoyable flicks. With Chthulhu Mansion J.P. Simon displays annalarming amount of amateurishness, even though he’d made better films beforenthis one? It’s as if his films kept getting worse and worse with time. So anyhow,nthis film is about a group of thugs who decide to hide out in this spooky oldnmansion, Unbeknownst to the thugs,nthis house belongs to an aging magician called Chandu (!) whom they don’t takentoo seriously despite his warnings about the mansion being possessed by evilnspirits. Of course, the mansion ends up showing the thugs a lesson or two. Thisnfilm is not unlike Lucio Fulci’s House of Clocks (1989) which by the way hasnthe same exact plotline. It’s one of those films that’s filled with one horror clichénafter another! Black cats, full moons, magical books, ghosts, haunted mansions…Thisnis a good one to watch with your friends during a night of drunken debaucherynon Halloween Night.
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When an invisible evil spirit takes a bag ofncocaine away from the thugs and burns it in the fireplace. The scene is supposednto show us a bag of cocaine magically whisking itself away, making its wayntowards the fireplace, unfortunately, we can see the strings pulling it! Also, therenis a character called ‘Hawk’, how generic can you get?
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nTitle: Spider Man 3 (2007)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: It had the same problem that JoelnSchumacher’s Batman and Robin (1997) had: too many villains! On this one wenhave to not only deal with Spider-Mans love triangle with Mary Jane and GwennStacy, we also have to deal with the drama surrounding The Sandman, The GreennGoblin and Venom! Saddest part is that everyone was hoping to see this coolnrendition of Venom because let’s face it, he is one of the coolest villains innthe whole Spider-Man universe, but no, instead we get Topher Grace to play him!nThat was the worst casting choice I have seen in a long while. Eddie Brockn(a.k.a. Venom) is supposed to be this hulking body builder, not a whimpy,nskinny dude like Topher Grace. On top of all this, they opted to make Venomn“less scary”, which means we never really got the full on version of Venom thatnwe wanted to see on this film. This film shows us what happens when too manynhands are doing the cooking. Raimi wanted to focus on The Sandman as the mainnvillain while Marvel wanted him to stick Venom in there at any cost, even if itnmeant the movie was going to be cluttered. The result was a cluster fuck of anmovie that pales in comparison to Spider-Man 2 (2004) which is one of the best comicnbook film ever made. We also have to deal with Peter Parker going emo? Yesnladies and gentlemen, on this film Raimi takes a cue from Superman III (1983)nand has Peter Parker ignoring his hero persona and becoming ‘evil’ which innthis movie translates to Parker going clubbing and coloring his hair black.nReally? That’s the most evil thing you could get Peter Parker to do? This isnhis dark side?
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When Sandman turns into thisnhuge Godzilla like monster
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nBad Movie Dialog: “You made me loose my girl, now I’m goingnto make you loose yours. How’s that sound tiger?”
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n“Look at me, Im so evil, I got snakes coming out my ears!”
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nTitle: Dungeons and Dragons (2000)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: It’s bad because it was a wastednopportunity. This movie should have been a serious fantasy film, with magic andndragons and all sorts of supernatural shenanigans, something closer to whatnLord of the Rings turned out to be. But no, what we had here was one of thenworst fantasy films ever made. The real problem with it is that it treated thenDungeons and Dragons universe as if it was some kiddy film, when in realitynthis board game had nothing kiddy about it. It’s about black magic and demons,nsorcerers and witches, dark stuff. The film should have been dark and gritty,nnot shinny and colorful, and certainly not filled with comedy relief. DirectornCourtney Solomon decided he needed to have Marlon Wayans in there spewingnstupid jokes every five seconds, let me tell ya, that gets annoying fast! Sadnpart is that making this Dungeons and Dragons film was director CourtneynSolomon’s dream, he even bought the rights when he was a mere 19 years old!nWhat does he do when he finally gets the chance to make it? This piece of crap!nIt’s a sad story too because the premise about these powerful dragons wasnpromising, unfortunately the film failed to deliver. Then we have Thora Birchndoing her best ‘Princess Amidala’ impersonation which was quite pathetic Inmight add. The dialog is way too modernnfor a film about dragons and magic. I guess the worst thing about it is that itnfeels as if it was made for 10 year olds. I’m still holding out for a goodnDungeons and Dragons film, please, somebody make it!
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When one of the films villains has snakesncoming out of his ears…
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nBad Movie Dialog: “Not so talented, eh Mr. Ridley?”
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nIt was ‘Nipple Night’ at the Batcave
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nTitle: Batman & Robin (1997)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: It’s bad because it single handedlyndestroyed the first batch of Batman films by doing all sorts of things very,nvery wrong. Let’s see, we start by having way too many characters in the film.nWe have three villains, Poison Ivy played by Uma Thurman, Bane played by somenguy I don’t know and finally Mr. Freeze played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Whatnpissed me off is that since they used so many villains for this one film, nonenof them get the proper focus they deserve; case in point: Bane, one of Batman’snmost formidable villains is in and out of the picture in a matter of minutes;nto make things worse, his appearance in the film doesn’t even matter, it’s notneven that relevant to the story. What a wasted opportunity! On top of that wenhave Schwarzenegger spewing one liners like there’s no tomorrow, in fact, younfeel as if that’s the only language he speaks. Then we have George Clooney innone stiff as hell performance as Batman, Chris O’Donell and Alicia Silverstonenplaying Robin and Batgirl respectively, so that’s three good guys and threenvillains you have to flesh out in one movie! Needless to say this is not whatnhappened. When it all came down to it, it was just too much. Plus, we had tondeal with Bat nipples.
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When Robin jumps out of anflying rocket, surfs the air on a door and screams “Cowabunga!” while doing it
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nBad Movie Dialog: “Let me guess, Plant Girl? Vine Lady? Handnover the diamond Garden Gal or I’ll turn you into mulch!”
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nTitle: Star Wars HolidaynSpecial (1978)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: This is without a doubt the worst thingnthat George Lucas ever produced in his whole life. What the hell where theynsmoking when they said yes to making this weird television special? I know it’snnot a film per se, but I had to put it on here because it is related to starnwars, and it is kind of like a t.v. movie, and it is without a bit of doubt anbad film. Story is all about Han Solo trying to arrive to Chewbacca’s homenplanet (Kashyyk) so he can celebratensomething called “Lifeday” which is the Wookie equivalent of Christmas. We getnto meet Chewbacca’s wife and child and we get to hear them talking wookie fornminutes on end, which of course translates to a bunch of grunts for all of usnhumans. Weird part about this whole thing is that it’s got various interludes,nfor example: one of them is an animated segment in which we are introduced fornthe first time to ever to the character of Boba Fett! We get a musicalnappearance by Jefferson Airplane singing “Light the Sky on Fire” Now there’s an‘what the hell’ moment if there ever wasnone. What the hell does Earth Wind and Fire have to do with Star Wars? Nothing that’snwhat! Same as Bill Cosby did with Leonard Part 6, this Star Wars special is sonbad, that Lucas himself tried buying the masters so that this abomination couldnnot be aired ever again on television, guess what? He failed!
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When we meet Chewbacca’snfather, who is watching an erotic dancer on television
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nBad Movie Dialog: (Spoken by a hologram that Chewbacca’s dadnis watching) “I am your fantasy; I am your experience, so experience me. I amnyour pleasure. Enjoy me. This is our moment together in time that we might turnnthis moment into an eternity”
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nTitle: Howling III (1987)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: This one comes to us from Philippe Mora,nthe director behind some pretty bad films, but Howling III? Hands down thenworst Philippe Mora film I’ve ever seen! Unless you’ve seen Howling II: YournSister’s a Werewolf (1985); I’ve never seen it myself, but I hear its prettynbad. However, I doubt it’s worse than this third entry. On this gem of badncinema a scientist falls in love with a werekangaroo! That’s right my friendsnthis film is primarily about Werekangaroos! But fear not! There’s werewolves asnwell! In fact there’s a whole school bus filled with werewolves dressed asnnuns! Don’t ask, just rent this horrid thing and laugh your way throughnawfulness, you won’t believe your eyes. How bad is this movie? Well, here’s hownbad: a couple of years ago I went to buy some movies, and they were giving copiesnof Howling III away with every horror film you bought!
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When the protagonist is havingnsex with the Were-kangaroo girl (!) but he doesn’t realize how freaking hairynthis girl is?
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nBad Movie Dialog: “Any trace of Beckmeyer yet?” “No sir. Inthink he fell in love with the Russian Werewolf”
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nTitle: Captain America (1990)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: Back in the 80’s and 90’s, comic booknmovies were not considered bankable by studios and so, it was a rare thing tonsee a good comic book movie. Tim Burton’s Batman () made studios realize thenpotential of comic book movies. But for a while, they had absolutely no respectnin Hollywood. Especiallynones based on Marvel comics characters, which believe it or not were a lot lessnpopular than DC’s Superman and Batman. But that was long ago, in a galaxy far,nfar away before The Avengers (2012). Back in the 90’s, this Albert Pyunndirected Captain Americanflick was all us Marvel fans had to satiate our thirst for comic book films.nAnd boy was this one bad! This was the film that put rubber ears on Captain America! Why?nBecause the original suit, which exposed the actors real ears caused chafing,nso to protect the actors real ears, they opted to show fake ones. Somehow, thenfilmmakers managed to turn The Red Skull (who always had German roots) into annItalian Mafioso! Pyun said that part of the reason why this film was shelvednfor two years was because the studio was unhappy with it. No shit! Also, hensaid at times they literally had no money in the bank. This was a Menahem Golamnproduction, two producers who brought Cannon Films to bankruptcy during thenlate 80’s with films like Masters of the Universe (1987) and Superman IV (1987).nToo many of their films depended on other films being successful first; which isnwhat happened with this Captain America film. They didn’t have money to do itnand started shooting it anyways, hoping that other projects would make the doughnthey would need to finish this one. So these guys were making a movie for anmajor Marvel character, without a budget! My how things have changed!
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: Captain American is out ofncostume for most of the film!
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nBad Movie Dialog: n“Gee Whiz, we gotta get going Mr. President!”
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nTitle: Zombi 3 (1988)
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nWhy It’s So Bad: Lucio Fulci’s Zombi 2 (1979) is one ofnFulci’s most recognized films. It’s an indirect sequel to George Romero’s Dawnnof the Dead, because when Dawn of the Dead was released in Italy it wasnreleased under the title ‘Zombi’, so due to the success of Zombi (which was really Dawn of the Dead withnanother title) Fulci went and made ‘Zombi 2’; which is a memorable zombie filmnbecause it has that amazing sequence where a zombie fights underwater with anshark! Fulci’s Zombi 2 was also a successful film and so the inevitable part 3nwent into production. Zombi 3 was a problematic film from the get go,nreportedly Fulci was ripping away pages from the script and avoiding themnaltogether, and also health issues were keeping Fulci from directing the filmnproperly which led to Fulci dropping out of the film altogether half waynthrough it. Unfortunately it was Claudio Fragasso and Bruno Mattei who ended upndirecting most of the picture, some might consider that a good thing, but I saynno way, these two guys have directed a bunch of really bad horror films inntheir time; some of them quite enjoyable precisely because they are so bad,nZombi 3 is one of these. Rest assured this is a badly acted film, and somenparts are beyond dull, but certain grizzly moments make it worthwhile. Like fornexample, there’s a dj throughout the whole movie who ends up as a zombie, so wenget the first official zombie DJ! Another memorable moment happens when pack ofnzombie birds attacks a moving car, this was an idea that P.W. Anderson re-usednon Resident Evil Extinction (2007). So hey, Zombi 3 can be considered anninfluential zombie film at least in that sense. The sequels that followed thisnone were Zombi 4: After Death (1989) and Zombie 5: Killing Birds (1987), bothnare even worse in my book.
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: At certain point in the film anrefrigerator door is opened and out comes a flying decapitated head!
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nBad Movie Dialog: “I’m feeling better Patricia, but I’mnthirsty….for your blood!”
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nTitle: Planet of the Apes (2001)
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nWhy It’s So Bad: There was a lot of buzz around this movie,nbecause it was a remake of Planet of the Apes (1968) the beloved sciencenfiction classic, and well, with all the advancements in make up and visualneffects, this was supposed to be the superior picture. Also, acclaimed directornTim Burton was directing the film and he’d proven himself a reliable andntalented director before. Burtonneven got legendary make up effects artists Rick Baker to do the make upneffects! The cast was amazingly good. Tim Roth, Paul Giamatti, Michael ClarkenDuncan, Charlton Heston, Helena Bonham Carter, David Warner, Kris Kristoferson,nthe list goes on. So what happened with Burton’snPlanet of the Apes? If he had all these resources under his command, why didnthe film turn out so bad? Well, while the movie starts out pretty good withnMark Wahlberg playing a scientists whongets lost in some sort of cosmic space anomaly that sends him to the proverbialnPlanet of the Apes. Unfortunately, after we reach the proverbial Planet of thenApes, the film turns into a bloody bore. For huge amounts of time allncharacters do through out the film is walk and walk and walk some more. Thenworst part of the whole ordeal for me was that the Planet of the Apes lookednlike something out of The Flintstones! Ugh, it was just horrible to watch; mynrecommendation? Go watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) instead!
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When Mark Wahlberg’s characternkisses a female ape.
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nBad Movie Dialog: “The young ones make great pets. Just makensure you get rid of them before they mature, the last thing you want is a humannteenager running around your house”
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n“What the hell Satan? Starfish? Really?”
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nTitle: Rock and Roll Nightmare (1987)
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nWhy it’s so Bad: This one is without a doubt one of thenworst acted, directed and edited films ever made. It’s one of those moviesnwhere the dialog just sounds so unnatural, as if people were playing makenbelieve when they were three year olds? The film is a true joke to behold, andnas such deserves to be viewed and reviewed! This film tells the story of anheavy metal band that gets together to lock themselves in a house so they canncome up with their new album. I guess it falls in the same category as othernHeavy Metal Horror Films such as Trick or Treat (1986), Black Roses (1988) andnHard Rock Zombies (1985). On Rock and Roll Nightmare John Triton, the leadnsinger of the band has an ulterior motive: to summon Satan and destroy him forever!nHa! In the film, Triton, the lead singer of this heavy metal band actuallynadmits to working for God! Ha! If that isn’t good enough for you, then you don’tnhave a pulse. Oh you want more reasons to watch this royally bad piece ofncinema? How about a starfish throwing Satan? That’s right boys and girls, JohnnTriton ends up fighting Beelzebub and what does Satan fight goodness with? Starfish!nThis film was shot with little more than 50,000 dollars and in just seven days!nThis movie is hilarious, really, I highly recommend it if you ever need somencheering up.
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nIt’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When Triton suits up to fight Satan, he isnshirtless (to show all that workout he’s been doing at the gym), wearing a spikednleather thong, boots, wristbands and tons and tons of hairspray.
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nBad Movie Dialog: “Well, it sounded like the scream camenfrom down here, right, let’s look upstairs ”
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nWell, thats it boys and girls, hope you enjoyed both of these articles! What? You never read the first part? Well do yourself a favor and check it out: Worst Movies Ever Made Part I! It’s a hoot, also, I’m going to be writing more of these “Worst Movies Ever Made” things, keep an eye out for them in the near future!
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