1994 sci-fi action movie
Rating: 8/20
Plot: Stupid.
Movies-a-go-go time with this Van Damme classic. That guy’s a force to be reckoned with, and before you say, “Yeah, but that was 20 years ago; what’s he done lately?”, remember that the dude can travel in time. In other words, watch what you say. Anyway, here were my thoughts as I watched Timecop.
Timecop. Ahh, don’t you just love the 1980’s when movies were allowed to have stupid titles like Timecop? Wait, this is 1994? Oh, nevermind. It sure does smell like an 80’s movie.
I don’t know what was going on in 1863 in this country, but I dig the styles.
Trenchcoat man with futuristic machine guns has a missing tooth that doesn’t look real. And if he’s from the future like his machine guns, why would he have a missing tooth anyway?
Balloon men in the mall, doing splits. That might be great visual humor.
“Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?” muzak. That’s cute. And look–there’s more clocks. And Van Damme’s first line is about not having enough time. This is really shoving the time stuff down our throats.
Get a room, Jean-Claude and wife! This is a mall!
In the 1990’s, thugs had doo-rags and rectangular shades and moved about via inline skates. And the reaction of the old people in the purse-snatching scene is so awesome.
“You know that purse? Doesn’t look good on you.” So we’re flashing one-liners.
Wow! Super Mullet! And now–Super Mullet has vanished!
“I don’t bake cookies for a living.”
Something tells me this picture some random guy took in the mall–you know, because that happens–is going to be important later on.
Why, of course we can include a candlelit sex scene within the first 12 minutes of the movie. Unfortunately, I shot my wad when I saw Super Mullet and had nothing left for Mia Sara’s nipples.
Uh oh! Thugs!
If you’re going to kill, Jean-Claude, you’d better make sure he’s actually dead before running off to have your way with his wife.
And now the house has exploded. And Jean-Claude is forced to show off his emotional range.
You’d think “Shit Happens” would confuse people in 1929, but I wouldn’t know because I’m not a timecop.
At the meeting with the political guys, the black guy said that making money in the past was easy, but this guy seems to have found a complicated way to do things.
“I went ten rounds with John L. Sullivan himself.” You didn’t need to say a word, man. That handlebar mustache did all the talking that was needed.
Ok, why wouldn’t your “fucking cat” exist if somebody wiped out your grandparents? Did your grandparents birth cats or something? That might be weirder than going back in time and becoming your own grandfather.
How does allowing people in the 1920’s to see that futuristic machine gun, Jean-Claude’s wardrobe, and falling people disappearing in midair not create time “ripples”?
By the way–splits!
You can tell from a guy’s beard what his intentions are, can’t you?
Umm…why did they think cars would like that in 2014?
I like Ron Silver, but he’s chewing up the interior of this futuristic car. And he’s also chewing some sort of nut snack, too. Anyway, loads of chewing.
Aha! There’s the picture! And if Jean-Claude can’t go back to save his wife, the “scumbag” isn’t going to get his money? How are those two things even related?
The makers of this sure did nail 2014. These cars. . .the fact that we still wear tie clips. Talking answering machines. Voice-activated televisions.
I still want to know how the poor guy’s house blew up.
Jean-Claude saying his lines from a videotape is definitely not a new idea, but I doubt it’s ever sounded creepier than it has here. Maybe it’s the way Jean-Claude says the word “porch”?
The White Supremacist Party?
You can’t kill Jean-Claude in his sleep a little quieter than this, fellas? Why the growling before you attempt to stab him?
“50,000 volts, motherfucker. Have a nice day.” Splits!
Jean-Claude: “I’m never funny.” This scene must have been recorded before that line he said to the purse snatcher earlier in the movie.
And there’s a naked woman. Randomly.
“Looks like safe sex to me,” says Jean-Claude. And he just said he wasn’t funny?
“Are we gonna blast to the past Yee-haa!” guy. Because every 1980’s movie needs a guy like this. Sorry, 1994.
This new character I never asked for and certainly don’t need was probably told by her director to be “more orgasmic” during her ride in the time travel machine.
“Don’t get sentimental and try to visit yourself.” Yet another masturbation euphemism.
Two Ron Silvers! They’d better find some more nut snacks!
And “Who are you? Are you supposed to be his father?” might be the stupidest line I’ve ever heard.
“Freeze!”
“Agent Walker, do you realize how inappropriate that word is? Do I look frozen to you?”
What?
Ok, Jean-Claude should be dead. Ron Silver even said that all you had to do was point the gun and pull the trigger. Why couldn’t they just do that instead of talking about it for five minutes?
I am having a ton of problems understanding how this scene where Ron Silver goes back in time to meet his future self doesn’t completely mess up the future.
Hey, bad guy! Why don’t you just shoot those highly flammable barrels Jean-Claude is hiding behind?
Guy getting his arm frozen and then kicked off might be the worst special effect I’ve ever seen.
“Have a nice day.” That’s it? No “freezing” puns or anything. Hell, “Tough break about your arm, buddy” would have been better. Or “So long, Lefty.”
How does the guy not know the woman who went back in time with Jean-Claude? Her death in the past was in the future of the present. . .nevermind.
I bet this time-warping-in-front-of-a-semi scene was a lot better idea on paper.
Oh, Mia Sara again. I wonder if I’m the only person in this movie who’s watched hoping for a sex scene with her and two Jean-Claude Van Dammes?
“Why didn’t you ever kick a guy’s arm off, Ferris?”
I think this movie might have plot holes.
Oh, my God! Jean-Claude’s going to drink his wife’s blood.
OK, if Jean-Claude saves his wife’s life here. . .again, nevermind. I don’t want to think about it, especially since Jean-Claude is about to fight Super Mullet!
Why do I have a feeling that Jean-Claude is about to fight himself? A split off!
Jean-Claude’s look at himself: “There’s that guy who’s been saying dirty words to my wife.”
I think Jean-Claude just went back in time so that he could get a second picture.
I’m confused about the pronoun use. “Keep him upstairs.” Wouldn’t you say “Keep ME upstairs” instead? I think I would.
I can’t tell in the dark, but it looks like Super Mullet might be wearing some sort of huge bolo tie.
So what happens if young Van Damme dies here? And if this assassination of Jean-Claude attempt failed the first time, why didn’t they just try again? My head is actually hurting from trying to figure all this out.
Holy hell! Young Jean-Claude is now dead!
Oh, nevermind. He’s back walking around again after taking the bullets in the chest and falling off the roof. No ill effects from that either, apparently.
Silver: “No, you moron. If he were dead, he wouldn’t be here.” Come on, Silver. It’s entirely fair to have questions about what the hell is happening here.
Finally! Super Mullet in action!
12 second until the explosion.
Bunches of lines of dialogue.
10 seconds until the explosion.
A bunch more dialogue.
What the fuck is happening?
Whoa! What happened to the Ron SIlvers there?
It’s possible that timer read a minute and 20 seconds. The movie’s given me a blinding headache, and I am no longer able to tell time. That might be ironic, but I wouldn’t know because somebody who can’t tell time probably doesn’t understand irony.
Jean-Claude’s really confused now because his son is pudgy.
I’m not sure how this would work exactly. How can he have no memory of a son?
I hope this house explodes during the credits.
