The Vineyard (1989)

nTitle: The Vineyard (1989)

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nDirector: James Hong, William Rice

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nWriter: James Hong, Karen Witter

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nReview:

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nApparently, the experience of playing ‘David Lo Pan’ thenmain villain in John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China (1986) left quitenan impression on actor James Hong because after that film, he went on to writenand direct his own little horror movie, entitled The Vineyard; which has a lotnof similarities with Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China, but more on thatnlater. I’ve been searching for obscure zombie movies to review during thisnHalloween season and The Vineyard is a film that I remember having seen onnvideo store shelves in the 80’s and 90’s, but for whatever the reason never gotnaround to renting. That cover with the monstrous face looking at the chemical vialsnalways called my attention, and so, the time to satiate my morbid curiosity fornthis obscure zombie flick arrived; I finally had a chance to see it. Boy was Inin for a heavy slice of cheese!
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nOn this flick we meet Dr. Ellison Po, a rich entrepreneur whonspecializes in making some of the finest wines in the world, how special arenhis wines? Well people are willing to pay thousands and thousands of dollarsnfor just one bottle! What is the secret to his wine? Dr. Po is a special kindnof guy, people seem to love him, the women adore him, the guy even has his ownnprivate island in which he grows the grapes for his wine. As if Dr. Po wasn’tnprolific enough, he is also a film producer and has invited a group of aspiringnactors and actresses to his island to audition for his new film. What the troupenof actors doesn’t know is that Dr. Po has sinister plans in store for them!
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nSo yeah, this movie is flat out terrible in many ways, butnas is usually the case with films of this nature, there’s some enjoyment to benhad. Where to start with this movie? We could start by analyzing the scriptnwhich is a huge mess. It has many unanswered questions and situations that seemnto happen for no reason whatsoever. For example, Dr. Po has zombies buried innhis vineyard, and every now and again they come out from their graves. It isnnever explained why they are there or why they decide to come out of theirngraves every once in a while; it feels like an element that was only added intonthe script in order to spicen up an otherwise dull film. It’s never explainednwhy Dr. Po can control them with the power of his mind and send them back tontheir graves, through the magic of reverse photography no less! Dr. Po’snspecial wine is apparently made of human blood, but I can only deduce this fromnone scene in which they dip a girl inside of a vat of wine. You get the ideanthat Dr. Po’s wine makes people live longer, but that is never fully explainedneither. As you can see, this is the kind of film in which you have to deducenthings for yourself because the film simply doesn’t do a good job explain themnvery well.
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nThe film has a very high sleaze factor to it; there’s tonsnof female nudity and James Hong actually ends up making out with some reallynbeautiful actresses, you kind of feel that it’s one of the reasons why Hongnwanted to make this film; so he could make out with a couple of girls? He comesnoff as a sleazebag on this film, and old geezer trying to hook up with a bunchnof younger, way too hot for him girls. The idea is that he drinks these potionsnto stay young so he can make out with all these hot bomb shells, problem isnthat the potion really keeps him middle aged, he doesn’t really look youngnbecause Hong wasn’t all that young when he made this film to begin with! It’snkind of funny when you think about it. In his defense, Hong does turn in anwhacky performance as a really weird character. There’s this scene where everyonenis in a costume party and he is dancing with a mask on, weird stuff. We get girls, halfnnaked, chained in some sort of dungeon, I mean, it’s a sleazy film.
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nEarlier I spoke of the similarities between The Vineyard andnBig Trouble in Little China and I just want to point out that they really arennumerous! I guess that John Carpenter’s film really made an impression on Hong,nlet’s see, The Vineyard is all about an aging billionaire who lives an isolatednlife, but is looking for that perfect wife, a woman who ‘fits the bill’ so hencan sacrifice her to his god. This Mayan god is supposed to grant Dr. Poneverlasting life if he marries this blonde actress? Who by the way looks a hecknof a lot like Kim Cattrall from Big Trouble in Little China! Dr. Po has to takenthe girl to an altar to sacrifice her, the good guys have to stop the sacrifice…Dr.nPo has his future wife in some sort of trance…I mean, does this sound like thenplot for Big Trouble in Little China or is it just me? The script is so screwednup that it presenst us with the character of Dr. Po, a Chinese guy who should benworshipping Chinese gods right? But no, the god whom he worships is a MayannGod? But then there’s this other sub plot about an amulet giving him eternalnlife and the amulet is Chinese in nature? As you can see, the script is messy, don’t try and make sense of it, just go with thenflow and enjoy this cheesy train wreck.  

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nThe one to blame for this disaster of a flick is actor JamesnHong who pulled a triple punch on this production by acting, writing andndirecting the film. Unfortunately he was not very good at either of thesentasks. Don’t get me wrong, Hong is a good actor, I’ve seen him do great thingsnin other films, Big Trouble in Little China being one of them, but as evidencednby the way The Vineyard turned out; writing and directing are not his fortes. Still,nthere’s fun to be had in terms of the bad dialog and situations. Honestly, Inlove hearing actors pull off these terrible lines of dialog. Speaking of thenacting in the film, it is extremely amateurish in nature; NOBODY turns in anbelievable performance. The film ends in a completely nonsensical fashion, which reminds me, if you ever do watch this movie, just remember that you’ll be askingnyourself “Why?” “Why?” “Why?” in the midst of all your giggling, which is really all this movie is good for, so enjoy this slice ofncheese, they don’t make them like this anymore!

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nRating: 1 ½ out of 5 
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