The Malapropos Matching of the Mephitic Madam

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n The courts of Europe, particularly those of thenpettier principalities and smaller states, were once little more than studnfarms, producing breeding stock for the larger dynastic houses. Herds of lessernprincelings and princesses were intended to beef-up the shallower reaches ofnthe aristocratic gene pools, as the dwindling numbers of suitably Grade-Anprospective royal matches resulted in levels of in-breeding among the rulingnclasses that would have even caused judgmental whispers in some of the remoter areasnof rural Norfolk.

The Hapsburgs, in particular, tended towards in-breeding

nThe ruling dynasties needed heirs (and preferably spares), ifnthey were to sustain their reigns, and although matches were made betweennbabes-in-arms, mewling infants or even, in some cases, the as-yet unborn, therenwere occasions when the best laid plans came to naught, and the royalnmatchmakers were forced to have a re-think about matters.

George IV

nTake the case of thenfuture George IV (then the Prince of Wales), whose father, King George III,nsuffered from what might have been porphyria (modern historians favour this asnthe cause of that famous cinematic Madness, although recent research maynnecessitate a bit of a rewrite on that), and who managed to run up massivendebts during his father’s illness.

George III

nWhen George III wasn’t being Mad, he was reallynquite sane and delivered an ultimatum to his son – put a brake on all the rakishnnonsense and settle down, marry your first cousin, Caroline of Brunswick, ornelse Parliament cuts off your allowance. Young George (who was 32 years old bynthen) may have been a profligate philanderer, but he was bright enough tonrealise on which side his bread was buttered, and so James Harris, 1^stnEarl of Malmesbury was sent off to Brunswick to marry Caroline by proxy andnthen bring her back to England with him.

(A younger) 1st Earl of Malmesbury

nMalmesbury, who was fifty years old,nwas a trusted and experienced diplomat, and rather a fine diarist, but for somenstrange reason his normally dependable head failed him on this occasion. Henreally ought to have reported more of his intelligence back to his masters back at courtnin England but he kept most of it for his diary. In his entry for November 28^thn1794, he records his first impressions of Caroline,

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n“The Princess Carolinenmuch embarrassed on my first being presented to her – pretty face – notnexpressive of softness – her figure not graceful – fine eyes – good hand –ntolerable teeth, but going – fair hair and light eye-brows, good bust – short,nwith what the French call ‘des epaules impertinentes,’ (i.e. ‘impertinentnshoulders’) Vastly happy with her future expectations.”

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Caroline of Brunswick

nHe spoke withnher mother, Princess Augusta (sister of King George III), who told him that allnthe German princesses had been taught English, in the hope that one of themnwould be matched with the future George IV. On December 3^rd,nMalmesbury received a messenger bearing a portrait of the Prince of Wales and anletter urging him

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n“… vehemently to set out with the Princess Caroline immediately,”

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nand the following day, Malmesbury had the marriage treaty drawn up, in Englishnand Latin, (he objected to French).

Charles, Duke of Brunswick

nTwo days later, the Duke of Brunswick spokento him about his daughter; she was not a beast, he told him, but she had,nthrough necessity, been brought up strictly, as she lacked ‘judgement’. ThenDuke also told Malmesbury that he was well aware of the character of the Princenof Wales, and the consequences of him liking Caroline too much – or too little.

Augusta, Duchess of Brunswick

nOther courtiers dropped little hints about Caroline’s lack of tact, her lack ofneducation and her lack of attentiveness and Malmesbury, at dinner, counsellednthe Princess to keep perfect silence ‘on all matters’ for six monthsnfollowing her arrival in England. Another conversation with her father revealednthat he had concerns about how she would perform her official duties, and henurged Malmesbury to be her advisor, a ‘second father’, adding that shenhad told him what she had been already advised, and they both thanked him fornthat.

Caroline of Brunswick

nAfter a visit to the opera and dinner with Caroline, on December 8^th,nMalmesbury wrote in his diary that

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n“…she improves very much on closernacquaintance,”

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nbut he continued to drill it into her to never, ever, express any of her own opinions about anything, and especially nothing aboutnpolitics. For all the Prince of Wales’s vehement exhortations, the party didnnot depart for England, via Holland, until the end of January 1795, and thenterrible winter weather made the going painfully slow.

1st Earl of Malmesbury

nOn March 6^th,nwhile still on the road, Malmesbury raised two delicate subjects with Carolinen– there was the way she spoke about others, especially her mother, that was …nmaybe, just a little, shall we say, tactless. She should, perhaps, reflect forna little moment before she spoke, as that way, she just might not offendnanyone.

Now, I’m not insinuating anything, but …

nAnd then there was the matter of her toilette. Malmesburynadmitted that he found it remarkable that her mother, as an Englishwoman, hadnnot been a little more attentive in the education of her daughter on allnmatters feminine. He knew she wore coarse petticoats, coarse shifts and threadnstockings but these weren’t ever washed quite well enough, or changed quite asnoften as they could have been. Malmesbury had the other ladies in the partynmention it to her, in passing more than anything, but perhaps, just maybe, shenmight wash herself, and her clothes, just a little more often and a little morenthoroughly. A long toilette was just the thing, don’t you know, andnthere was no credit at all in boasting about getting by with a short one everynnow and again. Now, if people in Georgian times started to point out that younmight, you know, whiff a tiny bit, then it’s a safe bet that you would benattracting flies from any number of adjacent parishes.