2007 family sci-fi movie
Rating: 9/20 (Abbey: 11/20; Buster: stopped watching)
Plot: A pair of annoying children find a magic box with a stuffed bunny and a bunch of rocks that they keep referring to as “toys” for some reason. They all try to solve the mystery of where this crap came from and why.
Sprite, the preferred soft drink of Mimzies. That and some sneakier Intel product placement are sickening.
This movie has enough ideas for sixteen different movies. At one point, a black guy says, “Am I the only one here who doesn’t have a clue what’s going on?” I answered my television, “No, you aren’t!” I was confused, and it wasn’t in that pleasant way where a movie is mysterious and allows you to gradually figure things out. No, this just seemingly throws every idea the writers have ever had at you with the hope that you won’t be bored by anything. There are kids hitting golf balls 300 years (“Whoa! We’ve found your sport!” is one of those reactions that makes it seem like the writers don’t know how humans really act), levitation with everybody screaming and screeching, Lewis Carroll allusions (I guess I should have recognized “mimzy” from “The Jabberwocky,” but I believe it’s spelled with an ‘s’), aliens that the Doctor Who show would reject for not looking real enough, floating rocks, Hindu ritual symbols, palm reading, techno-bunnies. There’s just so much going on all the time, usually accompanied by an unrelenting score. Blame Howard Shore for that.
You can’t blame Howard Shore for the acting. Rainn Wilson plays a hippie teacher, and his performance is almost embarrassing. I blame the writing more than I blame Wilson though, and I even suspect that the actor, after spending a few weeks reading these terrible lines, just decided to sabotage the production. Just listen to him yelp out, “What are you doing driving a truck? You’re a little boy!” Wilson isn’t the worst actor in the movie. No, that blue ribbon goes to Julie the Babysitter played by Randi Lynne. Her lone scene features this freakout, and I’m wondering how many times they had to film it before deciding that they weren’t going to get anything that was more realistic.
Maybe I was supposed to think the babysitter scene was funny, but I know I wasn’t supposed to be laughing at some of this. The awkward scene where Rainn Wilson’s girlfriend is reading palms:
“This is a very good hand.”
And later: “This is a very special hand!”
The Roger Waters song that plays over the end credits also made me laugh, but then it made me cry. It’s the kind of thing that happens when Roger Waters and Howard Shore combine forces, I guess. Look at these crappy lyrics:
“Is there anybody in there?
Have you heard, it was on the news,
Your child can read you like a bedtime story,
Like a magazine,
Like a has-been out to grasp,
Like afternoon TV.
Why is my life going by so fast?
Hello I love you.
Is there anybody in there?
Put down the phone, shut up the shop, make all the techno babble stop.
We’ll find a short-wave frequency,
The wave connecting you and me.
Hello I love you.”
You can look at those and probably know exactly what this song sounds like because all of Roger Waters’ songs sound exactly the same. It’s one of the most awful things that’s ever happened.
I also laughed at the seizure the little girl has after seeing those Doctor Who aliens. And really, you should never laugh at a little girl having a seizure. I laughed at how fake-looking it looked when the FBI busted into the house to arrest everybody. I laughed when a scientist ripped the stuffed bunny from the little girl’s hands. I laughed at a line–“Do you have a copy machine? We have to figure out a way to document this!”
The biggest problem with this movie is that it forces you to follow around some annoying children for an hour and a half. Rhiannon Leigh Wryn has a pretentious name and plays the little girl in this. She was somewhere around six when this was filmed, so everything she does can probably be forgiven. However, Chris O’Neil is the type of kid you wish you could create a time-traveling punching rabbit for so that you could cheer yourself up on bad days by sending it into the past to attack him. Yes, I realize how cruel that is, and I’d probably think more seriously about editing it right out of there if I ever proofread these things or if I thought anybody might read it. It’s not the child actors as much as it’s annoying characters. At times, this feels like a public service announcement for getting rid of technology. The kids always have their faces in video games, even a portable device when they’re on a boat. They watch television at dinner. And they also cheat on math tests. This movie really does make children look terrible. It would be interesting to send a copy of this movie into the 1950’s via a time-traveling bunny just to see how kids in that decade would react to seeing how kids in the 21st Century act. That might actually save future children from their fates. 50’s children would turn into adults who think, “No! No! We can’t let this happen to humanity!” and make sure emoticons and Pong never happen.
At one point, the dad tells his son that he’s the “greatest kid [he knows],” and I was thinking, “Have you seen the beginning of this movie, Dad?”
Ok, I’m in too bad of a mood to write a blog entry about a family movie. Blame Howard Shore, Roger Waters, and Sprite.
I’m guessing this is their reaction to seeing their work in this movie.
This movie really did put me in a bad mood while watching it. And now, while writing about it, it’s put me in a bad mood again. I’d like to apologize to anybody whose feelings I might have hurt in this blog entry.
Not you though, Roger Waters. You’re the one who owes me an apology.