The Inconfessable Orgies of Emmanuelle (Jess Franco, 1982)

nI’m not sure if Asunción Calero (credited as Ida Balín) was supposed to be Lina Romay’s replacement in The Inconfessable Orgies of Emmanuelle (a.k.a. Emmanuelle Exposed). But either way, Miss Calero does a terrific job filling Lina’s black stockings in this sun-drenched ode to sexual awaking. Even though I knew Lina wasn’t in this film, I could have sworn it was her standing on the nightclub stage in the sparkly greenish zebra-print disco pants suit smoking a cigarette. Shot from a distance, the sight of Asunción Calero leering at the audience with Euro-fied contempt, the reflective straps on her heels coiling up her legs like two cunt-hungry serpents, had a distinct Lina Romay flavour about it. And I’m convinced this was on purpose, as nothing that appears in the films of Jess Franco is done by accident. Sporting a similar body type: strong, shapely legs; wide, garter belt antagonizing hips; a generously rotund backside; semi-ample breasts; and a set of succulent lips that look like bloodstained pillows when smeared with red lipstick, Asunción Calero was obviously hired because she boasts these particular attributes. I would have loved to have been at the casting session for this movie. The sight of a cavalcade of leggy brunettes coming into Jess Franco’s office and standing in front of him wearing nothing but black stockings attached to a white garter belt must have been glorious. Anyway, let’s just say, whoever gets the part, they will have big black stockings to fill.

n(I don’t want to sound like a dick, but you kind of already implied that Asunción Calero got part, and that she does a “terrific job” filling Lina Romay’s black stockings.) I did? (Yeah.) Oh, well.

nWhile it might sound like I’m bemoaning the fact–in my own long-winded sort of way–that Lina Romay isn’t in this film, I’m not. On the other hand, if I’m watching a Jess Franco film that was made after, oh, let’s say, 1973, I expect Lina Romay to be in it. And it doesn’t matter if she’s the star of the film (Macumba Sexual) or if she just makes a cameo (Diamonds of Kilimandjaro), I need to see Lina Romay’s dark, piercing eyes at some point for me to feel safe and secure.

nSo, as you can clearly see, this film has caused a mild rift to occur in the nylon vortex that dictates the ebb and flow of my Jess Franco experience.

n(Excuse me, are you finished not bemoaning the fact that Lina Romay isn’t in this movie? The only reason I ask is because the sumptuous stems attached to the torsos belonging to the sensuous Asunción Calero and the mercurial Muriel Montossé–credited as Vicky Adams–are patiently waiting to receive the lavish praise they so rightly deserve. Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s sad that Lina Romay and her black hold up stocking-covered legs couldn’t appear in this film–trust me, I feel your pain. But you have got to get it together, man.)

nShot in Mojácar and Águilas, Spain (two small towns on the Mediterranean), the film opens with some brief, Jess Franco-approved landscape porn. After establishing that the landscape is indeed beautiful, Jaime Moraleda de los Enhebros, a.k.a. Marqués de Altuna (Antonio Rebollo), “Tony” to his friends, begins to narrate this salacious tale of lesbian sex, lesbian sex and lesbian sex.

nI don’t remember exactly what Tony says, but I do recall it having something to do with a couple named Emmanuelle (Muriel Montossé) and Andreas (Antonio Mayans), who are on vacation.

nWe meet Emmanuelle and Andreas just as they’re about to enter a wax museum. (What’s Muriel wearing? What’s Muriel wearing?) Whoa, calm down, Skippy. She’s wearing a kind of white shirt dress. (Is there a slit?) You bet there is. And it’s a doozy. It goes all the way up to her hip. (Nice.)

nWho would have thought that Liza Minelli would provide the film with its first nylon moment. (Wait, Liza’s in this film?) Well, not really. However, her wax figure is. And since she’s dressed like her character from Cabaret, she’s wearing black stockings.

nKissing in front wax Humphrey Bogart, Emmanuelle and Andreas soon resign to the floor for some impromptu coitus. Tearing off her white bra, Andreas then pulls off her white panties in a non-gingerly fashion. The non-gingerly nature of Andreas’ white pantie pulling technique causes Emmanuelle to sport an alarmed expression on her face. Now, I’m not sure if this was great acting on Muriel’s part, or genuine surprise that Antonio pulled her panties off so abruptly. Either way, the shots of the wax figures faces edited together with their floor fucking was rather comical.

nOn top of being the only scene that features all five characters in the same room together, the nightclub sequence is also the most important, as it sets in motion the events that will dictate the paths the characters on this sex-fueled journey of self-discovery.

nClocking in at just over fifteen minutes, the nightclub sequence in The Inconfessable Orgies of Emmanuelle gets underway with the sight of María (Asunción Calero) standing on stage in front of an audience filled with young people. With one hand resting on her hip and the other holding a lit cigarette, María hypnotizes the crowd by swaying back and forth.

nThe fact that her greenish zebra-print disco pants suit sparkles when it catches the light does nothing but accelerate this process, as the audience is practically eating out of the palm of her hand by the time she turns her back on them and proceeds to remove her belt.

nWhen her sparkly disco pants suit falls to the floor, we get a great close up of her black stocking ensnared feet in a strappy pair of heels (the straps, like her disco pants suit, sparkle when they catch the light).

nAs María swayed, I began to wonder what was going on underneath that greenish zebra-print disco pants suit that sparkles when it catches the light. Was I delighted when it’s revealed that María is wearing black stockings attached to a white garter belt? You bet I was. I was even more delighted when the music score goes from being jazzy to synthy the moment María’s disco pants suit hits the floor; which, by the way, is covered with a cowhide rug.

nWatching from the bar, Emmanuelle, Andreas, Tony, and her milfy friend Carmen (Carmen Carrión), look on with a mix of shock and amusement as María reveals her succulent pussy with much fanfare. Framed by her white garter belt, the audience gasps when they realize her pubic hair is a perfect upside down triangle. The reason it’s upside down is because it acts as a sort of penile guidepost. Luring cocks and other objects into its clam-like opening on a daily basis, in terms of reproductive efficaciousness, the upside down pubic triangle is probably one of the most important shapes in the universe.

nAdding arm-based gesticulation to her swaying motion, María kneels down on the floor, and invites an audience member to play with her pussy. Surprisingly, no one jumps at the chance to play with her pussy. Asking the audience again, this time Emmanuelle, who is drunk, accepts her invitation and staggers toward the stage.

nWhile everything up until this point has been handled perfectly, the decision to shoot Emmanuelle as she approached the stage from a distance was ill-conceived. Unable to savour Emmanuelle’s stocking-covered legs, which are poking out from a red dress and being poured into a pair of red pumps, the audience is denied the opportunity to relish the beauty that is Muriel Montossé’s lanky frame. Things don’t get any better when María tries to remove Emmanuelle’s silky grey panties, as the tops of her black stockings are only visible for a brief moment. I know, it’s pretty outrageous.

nDisgusted by the sight of María and his beloved Emmanuelle engaged in the 69 position in front of a bunch of pimple-faced perverts in training, Andreas leaves in a huff. Have Emmanuelle and Andreas broken up? Who’s to say. All I know is, nothing will probably come close to topping the nightclub scene.

nWhile Emmanuelle is lezzing out with Carmen (she shows Emmanuelle the unexpected tightness of her mature body and it goes from there), María invites Andreas to a “party.” Still wearing the heels with coiled straps from the night before, María seduces Andreas by flashing one of her tits and by giving him carte blanche to grope her legs.

nStumbling upon Carmen and Emmanuelle whilst in the throes of lesbianism, Tony interrupts them to declare Emmanuelle to be just his type: Blue eyes, soft skin, and a body made of alabaster like an amphora of the ancient Assyrians. Stop it, Tony, you’re making Emmy blush. Tony gets his chance to wow Emmanuelle from a humping point-of-view at a later date, but botches it by employing a series of lackluster thrusts. Which is a shame, really, as we should all be able to fornicate with the things we love in an admirable fashion.

nIs María really wearing lime green footless pantyhose as pants? I don’t know why I’m acting surprised. After all, Maria Rohm, if you remember, famously wears black pantyhose as pants in Eugenie. Yeah, but, the opaque nature of her hose as pants at least obscured her pussy. On the other hand, the lime green footless pantyhose that María has sheathed her lower half in are leaving nothing to the imagination. Paired with a ruby red sparkly tube top and the strappy coiled heels, María gives Tony a chance to get back his humping cred by allowing him to fondle the living fuck out of her lime green footless pantyhose.

nEven though the film uses the name “Emmanuelle,” The Inconfessable Orgies of Emmanuelle is not an Emmanuelle film. While I should have stated this fact much earlier, I’m doing so now, as I don’t want to give the impression that this some kind of sequel to the Just Jaeckin classic. Someone simply slapped the name Emmanuelle on the title in order to generate more revenue. In closing, if you were to take away the scene in the wax museum, the fifteen minute nightclub sequence, and Asunción Calero’s lime green footless pantyhose, what you would be left with is a filmed travel brochure masquerading as a dull softcore lark.