Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines 2003 sequel to a sequel
Rating: 12/20
Plot: John Connor’s really become sort of a loser, but the robots still want him dead anyway. At least he doesn’t have to be Edward Furlong anymore though. A naked woman robot is sent to kill him and all his friends even though that would create more paradoxes than any one blockbuster movie franchise can possibly survive, and the Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator has to follow her into the past to help save them all. It’s pretty close to the plot of the second movie actually and therefore doesn’t really advance the story much at all.
Now that I’m caught up on Terminator movies, it seems like they’ve got a similar trajectory to the Alien movies. The first is a classic. The second is an entertaining but possibly overblown action movie. The third and fourth just tick people off. I did enjoy the 3rd and 4th Alien installments more than these and seemingly more than almost everybody else though.
My intention was to GSNSP this bad boy, but I kind of lost interest and didn’t feel like I was making any sense anyway. Regardless, here are my notes:
Here’s what I’m going to be most interested in: Will there be a penis in this movie? The first two had penises, so I have to assume this one’s going to have a penis, too.
A question: Why do Terminators need genitalia at all?
John Connor sounds bored. As he’s riding his motorcycle. And it’s making me sleepy despite an explosion. Nick Stahl’s testing some sort of boring vs. annoying theory.
Skulls! Terminators! That looks really cool.
Something tells me this Terminator chick isn’t going to have a penis.
“I like this car.” Snap, crackle, pop! Sleepy from new-Furlong’s narration, I missed what even happened there.
Victoria’s Secret product placement. Is this social commentary of some kind or just a cheap boob joke?
I hope girl-Terminator spends the entire movie talking about things she likes. “I like those shoes.” Crack! “I like that sandwich.” Snap! “I like that watch.” Pop!
Termi-snake!
I think Skynet was my first Internet provider.
Ok, a tree’s on fire, and here comes the penis! Come on! Give it to me! I need this!
Wow. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s upper body looks really good. I’m glad I’m not seeing this in 3-D because those pecs would have knocked me off my couch.
Well, there’s the word “Cocktails,” but I still don’t think I’m getting any penis.
Look! It’s Kinky Friedman playing a doorman.
[Ok, that’s probably not even close. Regardless, I couldn’t get that “They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore” song out of my head, and it probably distracted me as I watched the rest of this movie.]
These Terminator movies always have the goofiest fringe characters. Here, we get “Bitch, wait your turn” stripper guy.
And with “Macho Man,” I now wish that I was watching Can’t Stop the Music.
Ahh, I liked those sunglasses. He should have spent the whole movie with those.
This movie’s got too much barking.
Girl-Terminator has added people’s names to her vocabulary. So she likes things and can ask people what their names are. The scene where she tastes somebody who isn’t Katherine Brewster’s blood isn’t as cool as this movie thinks it is.
Wait, what? I watched this scene three times:
–Girl-Terminator has a foot on the vet’s throat.
–Arnold bounces into the scene in a pick-up truck and somehow hits Girl-Terminator but not the veterinarian Girl-Terminator is standing on.
–The truck hits a wall and other cars around it explode.
This car chase scene, mostly sans music, is damaging a lot of property. It’s really well done except the CGI people sometimes look fake.
“No, I am not shitting you.”
I’m going to start shopping like Arnold in the gas station. That’s awesome. Unfortunately, “Talk to the Hand” and this song with “funky, funky” in the lyrics may have just ruined the entire movie for me. I think it’s time for another 15 minute car chase.
Blood on the framed picture–movie cliche.
Seriously, those sunglasses from earlier. This movie is tons better if Arnold would have just kept those.
“Oh, my God! Oh my dear Jesus God!” I suppose that’s an appropriate reaction to seeing your partner have a hand coming out of his chest.
Wait, coffins are bullet-proof? I’m not sure how that works.
Existential John Connors and Terminator…
“She’ll be back.”
Termi-tank! And look at those post-it notes flying!
A missile into the room they’re standing in…and no injuries at all?
That was one violent swirlie.
These two need to get a room.
Conflicted Terminator…stupid, and Arnold’s worst acting in this whole thing. When you give Arnold a character with human emotions, things fall apart.
I wouldn’t want to fly with somebody who had just sustained a head injury.
“I’m back.” Didn’t the script already play with the “I’ll be back” catchphrase?
[See? It’s pretty easy to tell where I lost interest. Sorry about that, Terminator fans.]
Addendum: I’ve been watching so many time travel movies that it’s easy for me to ignore the paradoxes created in them by all the time travel shenanigans. For whatever reason, the ones in these movies make me angrier. I’m not sure why that is.
Also, I accused this movie of not advancing the story much up there in the plot synopsis. It really doesn’t do much of anything, does it? Does anybody really care about anything that happens here? Is it that the Terminator story is just wearing thin or is it that they just didn’t have enough of a movie? Or does it matter because the special effects are cool?
My apologies to M.C. Gainey.
