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nDespite the fact that there’s a good chance that a disgusting man (one in a pig mask wearing ill-fitting lingerie) will be watching your every move, I still wouldn’t mind spending the night or two at the bizarre motel that is at the centre of Kim Christy’s ultra-freaky, ultra-kinky Squalor Motel (Come for the cheap rates, stay for the guilt-free cunnilingus). However, since lumpy crossdresser pig mask voyeurism isn’t listed in the brochure, most of the folks who stay at the “Squalor Motel” will remain enveloped in a haze of perpetual darkness when it comes to the plethora of weirdos and perverts who haunt the motel’s hallways on a semi-regular basis. In other words: Please continue to dine on your girlfriend’s consecrated lady speckle at the rate of speed you’re currently dining. Sincerely, the staff and management of Squalor Motel. Even though no such document exists, that didn’t stop me from noticing that something was missing from the Squalor Motel brochure. Sure, it mentions having clean sheets and a colour television in every room (I sure do miss the days when motel’s listed colour TV as a selling point), but there’s no mention of The Reptile Room.
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nIn my mind, The Reptile Room is the sole reason to stay at the Squalor Motel. Seriously, it makes no sense to not mention it in your brochure. In fact, if I was in charge, the brochure would be all about The Reptile Room, as that place is hip and happening.
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nDon’t believe me? Let’s see, I got, uh, um, I got… eleven words for you: Punks and trans-women cavorting in the vicinity of a glory hole.
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nJust a sec, I gotta double check something. Yeah, that’s totally eleven words (yay! I can count). I know, I could have given you ten words if I had chosen to spell “glory hole” as one word. But, hey, I didn’t, so get over it.
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nPersonally, I don’t think the words “glory” and “hole” should really touch one another; that’s just the way I was raised.
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nEnough about semantics. I was just thinking to myself: Oh, if only I could share with you the awesome music of Vida Slann. Vida who, you say? Vida Slann, the person responsible for the synth-tastic music heard throughout Squalor Motel. Where have you been, man? At any rate, wondering how I was going to describe the music from this movie, I decided to search the youtube using the words “Vida” and “Slann” (previous searches centred around the words “Squalor” and “Motel” came up empty). Well wouldn’t you know it, someone posted an audio portion of the music that opens the film.
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nI’m telling you, the music in this movie is a synth lovers dream, especially if you like your synths dark and sinister.
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nIt should go without saying, but the instant I heard the music, I knew I had made the right choice, porno-wise, that is.
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nThe music from the youtube clip I provided, like I already said, plays over the opening scene, which features a brief dream sequence that has Miss Clark (Colleen Brennen), the cat-eye glasses-wearing front desk clerk at the Squalor Motel, seeing a strange couple to their rooms (down a slanted hallway). When all of a sudden, she sees herself being wheeled away on a gurney… only, she isn’t dead or injured, no, she’s laughing hysterically.
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nAwoken by Manny (Nick Random), the motel’s sleazy manager, Miss Clark seems dazed. But quickly snaps out of it, and begins to verbally joust with Manny. Of course, it being Squalor Motel (a twenty dollar a night freak show on the outskirts of a fever dream), their verbal jousting involves lewd and lascivious wordplay.
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nAfter one of them asks: Who’s in the Reptile Room? The pair take turns watching a slender brunette with slicked back hair have stand up coitus with a man wearing a bald cap near a cherub statue through a hole in the wall. Other than Vida Slann’s music and the fact that the male participant is wearing a bald cap, nothing really stands out about this scene; naked people having sex… how pedestrian.
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nThe next person to enter the motel is Nancy (Desiree Lane), a wide-eyed, long-nippled woman who looks like she just got married. Putting down her book (Bound Pig Fuckers), Miss Clark envisions herself having a lesbian scenario with the wide-eyed, long-nippled woman standing before her; a scenario that involves licking, groping, fingerless and fingered gloves and lingerie. When this scene runs its course, we’re back where we started… the front desk.
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nI think I speak for everyone when I say it’s time for Nancy to enter The Reptile Room. And who do you think the first person Nancy runs into? That’s right, it’s none other than Jamie Gillis. Credited as the “Doorman,” Jamie offers to sell Nancy the various items he has tucked away under his trench coat (sex toys, Preparation H, etc). Realizing that she isn’t interested in buying anything he’s selling, Jamie invites Nancy to put his penis in her mouth; free of charge… what a great deal.
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nWhen satisfaction is achieved, a cum-stained Nancy literally falls into The Reptile Room. What she sees will alter the course of her spiritual trajectory forever. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement. But nevertheless, Nancy is deeply affected by what she sees.
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nWhile the producers of Café Flesh (a film that clearly influenced the makers of Squalor Motel) had an entire blood bank and methadone clinic to get extras from, Kim Christy and her crew could only scrounge up a handful of punks and freaks for The Reptile Room sequence.
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nThis lack of extras, however, does not mean the scene is not memorable. Don’t believe me? Well, let me just say this: The gorgeous Angelique Ricard plays the lead guitarist in The Reptile Room’s transgender house band? Flanked on either side by Magnificent Margo and Summer St. Cerly, Angelique Ricard sways back and forth to the music. And by doing so, we would get a brief glimpse of her cock every five or six sways. (Every five or six sways? I’m no math whiz, but that would mean we get close to eighteen glimpses of her mouthwatering girl-cock.) Yep, it’s pretty fucking cool–you know, if girl-cock glimpses are your thing.
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nAs the transgender house band are swaying and the punks are glaring, a new wave-ish brunette can be see giving head to a man in hiked down leather pants (studies have shown that hiked down leather pants are more conducive to oral sex than pulled up leather pants).
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nEven though I’m indifferent to non-transgender blow job scenes, the fact that the new wave-ish brunette’s metallic triangle-shaped earring would crash into the leather pants guy’s abdomen every time she would inhale his non-peppermint-scented flesh-stick was very appealing to me. It’s too bad they couldn’t have found away to show that her earring was cutting into his abdomen. Call me perpendicular, but I really would have liked to have seen the affected area to slowly bleed as the blow job progressed. Oh well.
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nMeanwhile, in one of the motel’s rooms, a blonde sailor is getting a blow job from a black chick with silver hair and a yokel is surprised to find that one of his sex dolls has come to life.
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nWhile taking a break from performing, the transsexuals watch as the Nazi-esque Dr. Thumbs (Herschel Savage) and his gum-smacking assistant, Nurse Terri Kloth (Lisa De Leeuw), try to jump-start the libido that belongs to Mrs. Shipowitz (Tantala Ray), who is wearing black stockings. This scene is my favourite, for obvious reasons (Lisa De Leew and Tantala Ray are always worth watching… the former for her freckled thickness and the latter for her brash camp-appeal), but the reason the scene really stands out is the music. I’m telling you, this film has hands down one of the best scores I’ve ever heard. It makes even the film’s mediocre scenes so much better. Not to imply that Squalor Motel is filled with mediocre scenes. Anyway, thanks, Miss Christy. You make good pornographies. Bring on She-Male Sanitarium!
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