Really Great Dating Advice for Those Who Really Want to Get Real
Key points
5 Common Mistakes Women make in the dating world and tips for overcoming them
Every time I have heard, “It will happen when you’re not looking.” or “God is just preparing your heart for your perfect mate.” or even better, the infamous “You just must not love yourself enough yet. If you don’t love me, how can anyone else love you?”, I’ve wanted to scream, “Oh, Shuuuut Up!”
You know what it is? It’s a whole bunch of feeling hopeful only to be disappointed and getting back on the horse after it kicked you in the face and pooped on your shoe. Believing that God must have a plan, and that’s why you are still single. Then crying to Jesus night after bad night, “WHEN GOD WHEN?” So, I bought the books… one after the other in hopes that they will guide me to my perfect mate: “The Rules”, “In the Meantime”, “Women and Their Fathers”, “Don’t Follow the Rules”, “I Hate You: Don‘t Leave Me”, “Mars and Venus on a Date”, “Play or Get Played”, “How to be a Player” or “How to Love Yourself When No One Else Will”. Sure, I invented some of these titles, but the sad thing is, you may not be able to tell which ones.
I have been on my journey for about 10 years. The truth is, I just wasn’t that attracted to that many men. The only guys I got excited about seemed to be turned off because I obviously tried too hard. It’s only the guys in whom I had moderate interest who beat down my door. I have played ALL of the dating games known to man: Don’t ever call him… EVER, pick up the phone and be assertive; get off the phone first. If he doesn’t call by Wednesday… Be busy, look interested or uninterested, ask him to talk about himself, and let him do all of the talking on the first date; if he pulls back, let him. I’ve also tried all of the places to meet men: the grocery store, the book store, the gym, the bar, the dating service, the internet, and prayer.
I know and so what if the only common denominator in all of these failures was me? Personally, I refused to believe I should sit around and ponder all of the ways I screwed up. If I were solely responsible, I would have been on those dates alone. Right? Listen, I am a viable, intelligent, independent, attractive, and successful girl. I know that I have a lot to offer. I do, however, believe that there is a reason for everything. And finally, all of those bad experiences taught me something: you create your own experience!
Does any of this sound like you? Do you find yourself saying things like, “When God when?” Do you have regular pity parties where it’s usually just you and one or two of your girlfriends agreeing with you that it’s him, not you?
I am here to lovingly assert that it is you! Remember the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” by Greg Behrendt? We all read it. And we all felt liberated for a hot minute when we tried to practice what we were taught. But in a few weeks or months, most of us went right back to our old ways of thinking and feeling.
As I look back, I can plainly see that all I was doing was complaining a lot. All I did was think about how miserable I was and that I didn’t have any prospects.
The guys I did manage to date were weirdos, losers, or had equally disturbingly low self-worth, which manifested in the form of being jerks. The trouble was, I hadn’t gotten the fact that I felt like a loser, so I was attracting other losers.
When I talk to you about the Law of Attraction, I often write about how to focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. I have given you tips and tools for attracting the right guy (“How to stop dating the wrong guy”). But all of that is in vain if you can’t get straight with yourself first!
Did you ever hear, “You teach people how to treat you?” Well, YOU DO! And if you are showing up in the world as a depressed, desperate girl, you are saying, “Please treat me like poo.”
I have gotten many emails from people requesting advice on how to get (fill in the blank) to pay them more attention, how to get Johnny to call, or Billy to send flowers. I always ask them, “What have you done for you lately? How do you show up for yourself? How are you treating yourself these days?”
TIP 1: YOU SHOW OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU.
The point is that you have to treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Not treat him the way you want to be treated. When he sees that the protocol is to put yourself and your needs on the front line, he will follow suit.
Let me give you an example. You want him to call you desperately. You have waited from Friday, when he said he would, until Wednesday. And now you are chomping at the bit. So, you say to yourself, “I would call! That is so rude! I would know to call in the middle of the week if I wanted to make another date for the weekend! How rude!” Then panic sets in: “Oh, no! Maybe he doesn’t want to go out!” “Oh no! Maybe he doesn’t know he has to do the midweek call thing!” I better help him! So you call. OOPS!
Yes, you have just started to teach him how to treat you. You have just said, “That’s ok, I am desperate, so if you don’t call me, you can count on me to call you!”
Another example: You have been dating for a few weeks. In the beginning, you had a great time, but he had this annoying habit of dropping you off and hitting a bar afterwards. You knew that he was dropping you off early on the weekends so that he could have some free time with his buddies. You wanted to be one of “those cool chicks,” so you didn’t say anything about it. Weeks became months, and suddenly that little pang of annoyance has turned into a huge throbbing pain in the thigh.
You know what I mean. But you thought he would change his behavior. You thought it would pass.
This leads me to
TIP 2: WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM.
But Heidi, you teach that with the Law of Attraction, you should focus on the positives about a guy! Yes, and I say that being positive does not mean being blind.
What I mean is, if you start to notice disturbing qualities in a guy, look at them and ask yourself this question: “If this behavior or quality was never to go away, would I be okay with that?” You have to know two things. First, you cannot change anyone. And second, you have to be okay with him as he is, not how you want him to be.
So, if the answer is yes, although I do not like this quality, I can live with it. – Then motor on. But if it’s no, understand that you can’t change anyone!
Also, the Law of Attraction is for you to create your own reality, not create a new reality for someone else. Meaning, you can use it to attract the right guy for you, but it’s not witchcraft!
TIP 3: IF WHAT YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS, FOCUS ON YOURSELF!
I used to wonder sometimes if I was the only one on the planet who felt so smart yet so stupid. I knew better than to sit around, feel lonely, and make excuses. But, and there was a but…it was difficult to stop thinking about it all the time.All I did was meditate on how lonely I was. Listen, I read the books. I knew that just by the simple act of meditating on being lonely, I was generating loneliness, like putting out the welcome mat and pouring the tea.
How do you get past that? I wondered. How do you just go… “Ok, there it is. I feel lonely.” then get all smiley and say something in the mirror like, “My life is full of friends. I have so many offers to date and get out that I don’t know which one to pick!” The plain and simple truth is: that wasn’t the case!
I didn’t know how to focus on myself without focusing on what I didn’t have. After all, it was all around me, on the empty couch and in the dinner for one.
So, I had a choice! I decided to focus on me and not on my dating life. It meant focusing on the things that brought me joy, not sorrow. For me, it was long baths with a nice glass of wine, long walks, spending time laughing with friends and family, and planning dinner parties.
I decided to pay no attention to the fact that I was by myself. And something started to happen: I started to like myself more! I actually enjoyed myself! And people started just showing up in my life. Looking back, I understand now that men started to want to be around me because I wanted them to be around me. I wasn’t desperate anymore! Hallelujah!
TIP 4: BE WHO YOU WANT.
If you are now subscribing to the Law of Attraction, you understand that there are no limits to what you can create in this life other than the ones you put on yourself. So, what do you really want in a guy? What qualities and core values are important to you? Write them down! Then ask yourself, “How do I exhibit these qualities I am asking for? That’s important because we are like magnets, like attracting like.
So, if you don’t practice what you preach, you will attract the guy who doesn’t practice what he preaches.
If you say you want someone self-assured, but you are constantly questioning who you are, you will get a guy who doesn’t know who he is! The people around you are a reflection of what’s going on inside and around you. The men you date are like mirrors! At any moment, if you want to know how you feel about yourself, look to your left. He’s there, showing you every step of the way! The only fair thing to do is to become the best you so that you can attract the best him!
TIP 5: WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS.
Did you ever notice that? This includes what we call dry spells as well. So, focus on abundance! When you are dating, you want plenty of choices so that you can experiment without the pressure of turning him into “the one”. Make sense? Open yourself up to all of the possibilities. When you have a lot of choices, you can take your time and decide who and what is right for you.
So, get ready! Take a long, hard look at these tips and get really honest with yourself! What changes can you make?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Sometimes, you have to do things differently to get better results!
Happy dating!!!!
