Pretty Peaches 2 (Alex de Renzy, 1987)

While I would love to say that I haven’t seen such a pronounced spattering of semen since my days as a male prostitute. I can’t because I’ve never been a male prostitute. Oh, sure, I used to fuck guys for money (in bus station men’s rooms to be unnecessarily specific), but that was for charity (Reach Arounds for Cancer Research to be, again, unnecessarily specific). What was the point I was trying to make? Oh yeah, whitish secretions of the moist kind. Now, I’ve seen pools of cum coagulating in pornography in the past, but the quality of the picture has always prevented me from admiring the goo’s innate viscosity. The reason for this can usually be attributed to laziness on the part of the people in charge of releasing this so-called “pornography” to the masses. In their greedy little minds, they figure the saps who like these kinds of movies won’t care if their precious pornography is simply transferred from worn out videocassettes. The result: Lackluster porn. That being said, when you think of restoring old movies to their original luster, stuff like, The Red Shoes, Metropolis or The Whoopee Boys probably come to mind. Well, the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome are trying to change all that, as they, for some strange reason, have lovingly restored Alex de Renzy’s Pretty Peaches 2, which looks freakin’ amazing. And…

nYou see that? (What?) Look at the way I said, “for some strange reason.” It would seem that even someone like me is having trouble understanding the logic of restoring Pretty Peaches 2.

nNot to worry, though, I don’t feel that way anymore, as I have just witnessed classic (shot on 35mm film) hardcore pornography the way it was meant to be seen.

nWhich brings us back to cum. When I saw how vivid that pool of recently expelled spunk looked as it lay all over Tracey Adams’ mid-to-late ’80s stomach in the film’s opening sex scene, a single manly tear fell from my eye. And believe me, it was a pool; the cum languishing on Tracey Adams’ mid-to-late ’80s stomach, not my single manly tear.

nOf course, it should come as no surprise to anyone with eyes or genitals that the pool of recently expelled spunk used to belong to Peter North, as the Halifax born actor is renowned for giving forth an extra helping of the creamy joy juice.

nAnyway, you gotta hand it to Alex de Renzy, as only as an artist of his caliber would be able to weave Peter North’s generous wad into the film’s plot with such an effortless elan. Oh, I’m sure countless other films have played up the vast size of Mr. North’s wad, but I’ve never seen one do so in a manner that seemed so plausible.

nWhen the film opens, Peter North, who, of course, plays Bobby (he’s such a Bobby), is trying to penetrate the pussy that belongs to Peaches (Siobhan Hunter), his dimwitted girlfriend. The reason he’s trying to penetrate her in this fashion is because it’s one of the best ways for a man to achieve an orgasm. Granted, there are countless methods at a man’s disposal (trust me, I should know – I must have raised at least a million dollars for cancer research via butt-fucking), but I have found that most of men prefer vaginal intercourse. And it looks like Bobby is no different in that regard.

nUnfortunately for Bobby, Peaches’ mother, Eunice Goldbloom (Tracey Adams), doesn’t seem to care about his impending orgasm, and tells her daughter to go to bed (their sex noises are disturbing her something fierce). Not one to disobey her mother, Peaches manages to cram Bobby’s rock hard cock into his jeans and sends him packing.

nSpeaking of cramming things, I liked how Peaches stuffs her panties (her white panties) in her shoe; she may be dimwitted, but she knows how to… put her panties (her white panties)… in her shoe. That doesn’t make a lick of sense. Either way, Peaches’ panties (her white panties) are in her penny loafers (the left one, I think) as she goes upstairs.

nAfter Bobby supposedly leaves, Eunice continues to remove her womanly accoutrements (bracelets, earrings, garter belt, stockings, etc.) with a haughty grace.

nUnbeknownst to her, but Bobby is watching her remove her womanly accoutrements. That’s right, he never left, and is hiding behind the curtains. Hearing a slight rattling sound coming from the window, a now naked Eunice grabs a knife and investigates.

nAfter Eunice scolds Bobby for being a peeping tom, she forces him to remove his clothes (it’s what chicks named Eunice do). At around this time, Eunice notices that Bobby has “lovers nuts.” Engorged with enough fluid to fill at least five reasonably priced kiddy pools, Eunice decides to help Bobby some extract some of this “fluid” by employing her mouth and vagina as temporary receptacles for his throbbing, overstuffed man-junk.

nWho wants to name the multitude of jizz rivers that are currently snaking their way along the surface of Tracey Adams’ abdomen? Anybody? Clean up on Tracey Adams’ tummy!

nFrustrated that her mother refuses to tell anything about sex, Peaches decides to ask Stanley (Herschel Savage), her former step dad, for advice. Showing up at his office in a red top paired with a yellow skirt, Peaches begs her former step dad to teach her about sex. For a second there it looked like Stanley was contemplating giving his former step daughter a private lesson, but less pervy heads prevail. Instead, Stanley tells Peaches to “ask around” and most importantly, “don’t be a tease… no-one likes a tease.”

n”Golly, daddy… that’s some excellent advice,” she cheerfully replies. The manner in which Siobhan Hunter says the word “daddy” is so unsavoury, that it will cause you to run down to the nearest police station to register yourself as a sex offender.

nSince the film hasn’t had a sex scene in at least two minutes, we’re given a quick one when Stanley calls over his secretary, Miss Wilson (Tammy White), to “discuss” something important. What transpires is your standard office sex scene. What isn’t standard, however, is Tammy White’s body. Dang! This Tammy chick is shapely as all get out. Oh, and since she isn’t some cave-dwelling neanderthal, Tammy’s delicious gams are sheathed in black stockings. Mmmm, slice ’em thick, Ma.

nTaking what Stanley said about “asking around” seriously, Peaches comes to the conclusion that the sanest course of action for her to take is to visit Uncle Howard (Ron Jeremy) up in San Francisco; which, according to Peaches, is the best place to learn about sex.

nThose familiar with the handkerchief code will probably notice that Peaches has a dark blue hanky stuffed in the back pocket of her jean shorts. Does this mean Peaches will have anal sex later on in this movie? Who knows? I do know this, the guy in the trucker cap (Buck Adams) who picks up a hitchhiking Peaches definitely has anal sex with Juliet (Janette Littledove), a busty prostitute, during their stay at a motel.

nWhat’s amusing about this scene is that Miss Littledove kept calling Buck a piece of shit as he plowed into her ass. And I couldn’t help but laugh when she mock asks him whether or not he took humping lessons at Disneyland.

nWorried about her daughter, Eunice teams up Stanley, and they both hit the road in search of Peaches. And, of course, they end up booking a room at the same motel Peaches and the trucker cap guy stayed at. Except, instead of having anal sex with Janette Littledove, Eunice blows F.M. Bradley; much to the chagrin of Stanley, who had hoped their little road trip would lead to some kind of reconciliation between himself and his ex-wife.

nMeanwhile, in San Francisco, Peaches is up to her eyebrows in perversion. Let’s break it down, shall we? Incest, gaudy furniture, Jamie Gillis dressed as a granny, wispy pubes, blue panties, Melissa Melendez (Kat Dennings meets Asia Argento) as a Chinese chick and an impromptu bunny dip tutorial. It should come as no surprise that Peaches is a tad overwhelmed by what she sees at Uncle Howard’s. That being said, she seems to be learning a lot.

nOther than not giving us any clear shots of Tammy White in her lingerie, as far as being a playful piece of plot-driven pornography, I’d say Pretty Peaches 2 is pretty much perfect. And thanks to the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome, it looks perfect. I’m almost tempted to throw away all my porno DVDs, as this release makes them all look like utter garbage. Almost (let’s not do anything rash).