Missile to the Moon (Richard E. Cunha, 1958)

nAccording to my not even close to being exhaustive research, when the labia majora is visible through a pair of tight pants, it’s called a “camel toe.” Isn’t that weird? I mean, how did they come up… What’s that? Why am I talking about vagina-based indentations in correlation with Missile to the Moon? Oh, I don’t know. I just felt like illuminating all you fine folks about what I consider to be one of the kookiest slang terms the English language has to offer before I started yakking about space and junk. Wait. Now that I think about it. Camel toes and this movie actually have a lot in common. For one thing, the movie is chock-full of cunt bulges of the bumpy kind. And, on top of that… Actually, there is no “top of that.” This film, directed by Richard E. Cunha, is mucho generous when it comes to vulvic protuberances. I know, it clearly states that this movie was made during the Eisenhower administration (the height of post-war puritanism). But trust me, the movie is pretty much wall-to-wall venus mound displacement, and I couldn’t be more pleased. I say, “pretty much,” because there isn’t much as far as crotch wedging goes in the early going. But once the titular missile lands on the titular moon, it’s vedgie city, baby!

nWhen the instances of cameltoeitis began to commence, I thought myself: Maybe I should start watching more films from the 1950s. But then it dawned on me. This is probably more of a fupa fluke than anything else. Either way, don’t be surprised if you see more films reviewed on here that were made during the squarest period in modern American history.

nTruth be told. Missile to the Missile, despite the plethora of smooshed lady genitals, is a hundred times sexier than most of the sci-fi, comic book drivel being made today. Sure, there are no close-up shots of thick twatrods entering snarling gashes, or hazardous/structurally unsound butt-holes, for that matter, but I’ll take good old fashion legginess over crass orifice penetration any day of the motherhumpin’ week. And believe you me, this film has legs.

nSeriously, I ain’t kidding around. There must have been at least eleven so-called “moon girls,” and each of these “moon girls” owned a pair of legs. Meaning, there were times when there were close to twenty legs on screen at any given moment. And I ask you, can the latest piece of fermented horseshit produced by the white supremacist child molesters who run Hollyweird be able to say that their movie has twenty shapely female legs on-screen in a single shot? I didn’t think so.

nThe story goes something like this: Some rocket scientist cock-muncher named Dirk (Michael Whalen) is upset that the U.S. government has decided to use his newfangled rocketship for their own purposes. When Dirk discovers two escaped convicts, Lon (Gary Clarke, who sounds like Nick from Café Flesh) and Gary (Tommy Cook), hiding in his rocketship, he hatches this zany plan to force them to help fly his rocketship to the moon. However, just as they’re about to take off, a government official, Steve (Richard Travis), and his girlfriend June (Cathy Downs), stumble abroad, and end up blasting into space along with the disgruntled rocket scientist and the two escaped convicts.

nYou would think that being forced (at gun point, mind you) to blast into space would dampen the spirits of Steve, June, Lon and Gary. But they seem cool with the idea. It just goes show. While the people who lived in post-war America during the 1950s might have been colossal squares, they weren’t a bunch of whiny crybabies.

nIn other words, the impromptu space mission goes off without a hitch. Well, that’s not exactly true. Sadly, Dirk dies during a meteor storm. Nevertheless, the mission goes on without him and they eventually land on the moon. Woo-hoo!

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nDonning space suits, Steve, June, Lon and Gary, after they avoid being crushed by rock creatures, explore a network of moon caves. Once inside, they quickly discover that the air in there is fit to breathe. Hiding their space gear behind some boulders, Steve, June, Lon and Gary come face-to-face with The Lido (K.T. Stevens), the leader of a race of blue-skinned moon women.

nSince Steve is wearing the medallion Dirk gave him before he dies, The Lido assumes that Steve is Dirk. I know, how does The Lido know Dirk? I have to assume Dirk’s been here before. Which, I must say, is quite impressive. Either way, the reason The Lido doesn’t realize that Steve isn’t Dirk right away is because she has since lost her eyesight.

nSkeptical when it comes to these newcomers is The Lido’s wonderfully conniving second in command, Alpha (Nina Bara), who thinks Steve’s story is a bunch of Earth balderdash. Anyway, on top of having the film’s most pronounced camel toe, Alpha is also the film’s best character. Bringing the film some much needed camp-appeal, Nina Bara’s deliberately exaggerated performance is the non-camel toey/non-leggy reason this film is still remembered to this day. Rendering Missile to the Moon as first-rate sci-fi trash.

nOh, and since I’ve already established that Alpha is the clear winner when it comes to having largest camel toe, I guess I should go ahead and declare the stunning Sanita Pelkey (Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow) to be the clear winner when it comes to legginess. Damn, girl. Those are some fine ass legs. Mhm! Wow, who knew writing about camel toes and lady legs could be so therapeutic… I feel like a brand new woman.