Legion of Iron (1990)
Film Summary
A high school football quarterback, along with his girlfriend, is kidnapped and helicoptered to the middle of the desert where he is forced to compete in gladiator games to the death in a facility run by a sadistic woman who later, it is revealed, owns a motorized hang glider.
Key points
There’s a frustrating amount of suggested sex in this kinky little action movie and not nearly enough violence to satisfy the bloodthirsty. Sure, the lustful Queen Diana and her terrifying flirtations or threatening sexual advances with an underaged scrawny football star are enough to give this an edge. But overall, the embarrassing fight choreography, the lulls in the “action,” and the terrible dialogue make this a pretty boring experience.
The music’s lively and the costumes and decor–with silks and sequins that make this all about as gay as you’re going to get–try their best to keep things going, but they’re up against such a stupid script and a lack of acting talent that there’s not a lot that can be done. It all builds to an absolutely ridiculous climax that has an illogical gunfight, a liberal use of a pair of Wilhelm Screams, a chaotic race through the compound, a chase through desert sounds with trucks painted like cows that could have resembled the one in Raiders if everybody involved wasn’t mentally challenged, pyrotechnics, and the queen shooting a machine gun from her flying machine. It’s maximum wackiness.
I wonder what the message for teenagers in the late-80’s is supposed to be. A lusty teen boy’s attempts to round first base and head toward second are thwarted by his girlfriend in his car on Lover’s Lane, and they’re both kidnapped. Then, the girl becomes a complete whore, and they escape. Seriously, what’s the message there? I doubt it matters since nobody saw this one.
Rating: 6/10
