n
n
nWhile it might look like an insignificant slab of concrete to some, the parking lot in Heavy Metal Parking Lot is no mere slab…of concrete. No fucking way, man. When dotted with a bunch of inebriated devotees of British heavy metal band Judas Priest, the ground percolates with anthropological significance. It’s Saturday May 31, 1986, and we’re immediately ushered into the parking lot of The Capital Centre in Largo, Maryland, U.S.A. Why we’re in this place at this particular time isn’t quite clear yet. But over the course of the next fifteen or so minutes, you will wish you had been there when all is said and done. It doesn’t matter if you like heavy metal, the honesty depicted in this film will blow your mind. Unfortunately, over the course of the last, oh, let’s say, twenty-five years, I’ve been exposed to a shitload of insincere nonsense. And even though I try my best to avoid being infected by the unending deluge of disingenuous pap that is our current cultural landscape, tiny bits still manage collide with my cerebral cortex. Well, after watching this inexplicable document of a seemingly innocuous event, I think I can safely say that my faith in humanity has been restored. Oozing–yeah, that’s right, I said, “oozing”–tiny dew-shaped droplets of uncut authenticity from every square inch of their probably clogged pores, the young people who appear in this tribute to life, love and getting wasted are a shining beacon to all those out there wallowing in a pre-dug pit of their own self-pity. Banding together to hear loud guitar-based noise, filmmakers John Heyn and Jeff Krulik manage to capture these strange creatures in their natural habitat. Which, like I said, if you can believe it or not, is the parking lot of The Capital Centre, where a Judas Priest concert, with special guests Dokken, is about to take place.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
nOh, and my use of the term “natural habitat” is in no way meant to be degrading. The kids in this film are not animals, they’re human beings. And, I must say, they’re some of the most genuine human beings ever to be captured on film.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
nActually, the reason I used the expression “natural habitat” was because of all the zebra-print I saw in this film. The zebra’s natural habitat are the temperate grasslands of Africa, and their black and white stripes help them allude predators. In other words, they use their stripes as camouflage. Your average heavy metal fan, on the other hand, uses zebra-print to get noticed. However, instead of trying to avoid being devoured by, let’s say, a lion, the headbanger fitted with zebra-print markings wants to be devoured. And since lions aren’t indigenous to Maryland parking lots, the only devouring going on here will most likely involve pockmarked penises plowing ever-so-gently into voracious vaginas.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
nThey came, they saw, they stood around a bit, they got fucked up, they became legends: The Top Ten Heavy Metal Parking Lot Characters.. Whoa, whoa! Hold on there, buddy. Ten?!? I ain’t listing ten characters from a seventeen minute movie. Break that shit down a tad and I’ll get back to ya.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
nOkay, how about this. List the top five Heavy Metal Parking Lot characters. In other words, characters who are just plain awesome. And then, when you’re done doing that, list the top five metal babes that appear throughout the film. Yeah, I can do that. Woo-hoo! Yeah! Judas Priest!!!!!
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
nThe Top Five Heavy Metal Parking Lot Characters: #1 — Zebraman. Who else would it be? Take away Zebraman, and your film…Ahh, you know what? I don’t even want to think about it. Just the mere thought of Heavy Metal Parking Lot without Zebraman gives me the willies. Who is Zebraman, you ask? Great question. Even though I disagree with almost everything he says during his time onscreen, Zebraman expresses himself in such an eloquent manner, that you too will think that all that punk shit sucks and that Madonna is in fact a dick by the time he’s finished his Jack Daniels-assisted diatribe.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
n#2 — David Helvey. “I’m David Helvey. I’m twenty years old. I’m ready to rock.” And with those words, the blonde man in the aviator shades makes his presence felt almost immediately. Standing by his car with his “ladyfriend” Dawn (in a stylish zebra-print top), and two other chicks, David Helvey’s love for Judas Priest is unwavering.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
n#3 — Graham. You know, like, gram of dope. Shirtless and confused, Graham, while not as succinct as Zebraman, puts forth his ideas in a way that’s endearing, yet at the same time profound. Oh, and “Joints Across America” is a brilliant idea.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
n#4 — Timmy’s Friend. Every film, whether it be Xanadu or The Apple, needs a showstopper, and Heavy Metal Parking gets its when one of the directors asks “Timmy’s Friend” to tell them the long story pertaining to how she and her friends managed to obtain backstage passes. What comes out of her mouth will shock and amaze those who have been wallowing in irony for most of their adult lives. When Timmy’s Friend, who would have made the metal babe list had her speech not been so stirring, gets to the heart of Timmy’s tale, I nearly dropped my bong (don’t worry, it wouldn’t have broke, as my wall-to-wall shag carpeting would have surely cushioned its fall).
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
n#5 — Glen Burnie. At first, I thought her name was “Glen Burnie,” but apparently that’s the name of the place she’s from. Anyway, even though the “Hell yeah” chick from Glen Burnie, MD has an inordinate of amount of inappropriate questions thrown in her general direction (“inappropriate” because no-one that fucked up should be forced to think on their feet like that), I thought she handled herself with a subtle grace. Woooo! Judas Priest rules!!!!
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
nThe Top Five Metal Babes in Heavy Metal Parking Lot: #1 — Leg Scab Girl. Without being asked, Leg Scab Girl lifts up her white dress to show the cameraman her sex-related leg scab. “Sex-related”?!? Yeah, it would seem that Leg Scab Girl banged her knee while engaging in rough coitus with her headbanger boyfriend in, what I assume was, a large, heavy metal-friendly automobile. And while she’s showing us her leg scab, she warns the members of the audience to “don’t ever ‘get it’ in a car.”
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
n#2 — Exceedingly Attractive Dokken Fan. When the camera crew ask a group of intoxicated young people who they’re there to see, they all yell “Judas Priest” in that overly excited fashion that I have, unfortunately, become accustomed to. However, a voice of reason pops her gorgeous head into the frame, leans toward the microphone, and, in a calm and rational manner, says, “Dokken,” the rarely mentioned opening act. A levelheaded contrarian at heart, E.A.D.F, who seems to be channeling tennis star Gabriela Sabatini and Italian pop sensation Sabrina Salerno simultaneously, proves in one fell swoop that not all metal babes are drunken morons.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
n#3 — Kelly: The Heavy Metal Virgin. It might be the cheerful blonde’s first heavy metal concert, but that doesn’t mean you can bump into her while she’s trying to relay an important message to the audience. I liked the way she says, “please,” when telling an unwashed headbanger to get away from her. Oh, and she’s rocking a pair of white suspenders like nobody’s business.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
n#4 — Trippin’ Jack Daniels Girl. Well, first of all, she knows Zebraman. And secondly, well, she’s a metal babe goddess. Why is she called “Trippin’ Jack Daniels Girl”? Well, according to Zebraman, she’s doing just that, trippin’ on Jack Daniels, and, in his whiskey-soaked mind, “It all rules… all that shit rules.”
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
n#5 — Leggy Hatchback Girl. When it comes to lounging in an excessively leggy manner in the back of hatchbacks, no-one, I repeat, no-one, can top the leggy shenanigans being put out there by the Leggy Hatcback Girl in Heavy Metal Parking Lot. You would be a fool to even try.
n
n
n
n
n
n
n
nAs most people are want to do after they watch Heavy Metal Parking Lot, I started wracking my brain trying to think of all the other parking lot-style movies you could make. Sadly, I kept hitting a brick wall. The reason? Bands like, Zoviet France, Gina X Performance, and even Skinny Puppy don’t play shows at venues that have large parking lots. And speaking personally, I don’t think I ever attended a show that had parking, let alone an entire parking lot. Nevertheless, I still wouldn’t mind seeing something like, A Flock of Seagulls Parking Lot or Missing Persons Parking Lot. You know, just for the clothes and hair alone.
n
n
n
n
n
