Guns (Andy Sidaris, 1990)

nIf ever there was a movie that lived up to its name, it isn’t Guns. Oh, sure, it’s got guns, plenty of guns; it’s got guns up the wazoo. But I think the title sells itself short. This film, Andy Sidaris‘ latest attempt to make Dona Speir a movie star, has more going for it than just guns. It’s got opera glove-wearing nightclub singers, magic shows, brunette-on-brunette violence, ninjas, stockings, and dyke bar-quality oil wrestling. Though, it should be noted that the so-called “opera glove-wearing nightclub singers” scene involves guns to some degree (the lyrics, and the song’s title, for that matter, are both gun-centric), and the brunette-on-brunette violence involves guns, too. In fact, everything I just mentioned, even the stockings, involve guns in some shape or form. I guess I better just except the fact that this movie is called “Guns” and move on. I know you implied that you were going to move on, but how on earth does one combine stockings and guns? If there’s anyone who knows how to mix stockings and guns, it’s Andy Sidaris. Now, I’m fully aware that this the first Andy Sidaris film since Malibu Express to feature nylons of any kind. But you have got to remember, all the films made in-between Malibu Express and Guns take place almost exclusively in Hawaii. And, as most people know, Hawaii and hosiery don’t exactly go together. Just in case you’re not most people, the reason they don’t get along is because of the island’s climate. You see, it’s humid in Hawaii. In other words, it’s not the most nylon-friendly environment to wear stockings, pantyhose, or even socks. Don’t believe me, pay close attention to all the scenes in this film that take place in Hawaii, you won’t see a single pair of nylon-ensnared gams or knee-sock adorned feet anywhere.
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nYou know what else I missed seeing during the last two Andy Sidaris films? Wow, you know me all too well. That’s right, I’m missed the rampant transvestism. Okay, I wouldn’t call Malibu Express and Hard Ticket to Hawaii films that are drenched in cross-dressing (mmm, films drenched in cross-dressing). I wish they were, but they ain’t. However, at least they dealt with the subject. If you remember correctly, both films feature male characters who dress in drag, and surprisingly, given the film’s action movie pedigree, both treat the subject in a respectful, nonchalant fashion. You could even say the films are trans-positive. But let’s not get carried away.
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nMuch to my chagrin, the two previous Andy Sidaris films were totally lacking when it came to cross-dressing. Well, I’m happy to report that Guns finds transvestism back where it belongs. An Andy Sidaris film without cross-dressing is not a true Andy Sidaris film. And I’m even happier to report that it’s back in a big way in Guns. How so? I got two words for you: Transvestite assassins!
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nWhen you ask the average slob why they watch Andy Sidaris films, they’ll tell you that they watch them for the hot chicks. I, on the other hand, watch them for…the hot chicks. Just kidding. I watch them for the off chance that one of them might boast a pair of transvestite assassins. And Guns delivers two of the most memorable transvestite assassins in film history.
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nJust so you know, I love the words “transvestite” and “assassin,” so be prepared to hear the two words repeatedly slammed together over the course of this…whatever, the hell this is.
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nAs I watched the Andy Sidaris films that proceeded Guns, I would always think myself, why doesn’t Andy give Cynthia Brimhall a bigger role? (She wasn’t even in Savage Beach.) Clearly more attractive and more talented than any of the other mouth-breathers that appear in these movies, to see Cynthia constantly relegated to the sidelines was unacceptable. Well, fear not fans of people who are clearly more attractive and more talented than Dona Speir, Cynthia Brimhall is about to get her chance to shine.
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nHeadlining the Rio Casino in Las Vegas, Cynthia Brimhall’s Edy Stark has finally hit the big time. No longer stuck greeting restaurant patrons in Molokai while wearing pastel-coloured mini-dresses, Cynthia is on stage performing “Guns” for a captive audience. Sure, the audience is mostly made up of degenerate gamblers and mid-level mobsters, but this Las Vegas, baby! And you know what? She ain’t bad. I mean, I was totally humming the line, “Don’t play with guns / They ain’t no fun” after the film was over. It also helped that the song is heard again over the closing credits. But still, it was catchy and Cynthia has definitely got the goods. It didn’t hurt that she was wearing a cleavage-accentuating bra, opera gloves, and a sparkly blue thong while she performed the song in question.
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nAfter the show is over we meet Juan Degas, a.k.a. the Jack of Diamonds, a semi-suave gun runner. Do you want to know who plays this semi-suave gun runner? You do? Okay. Are you ready? The semi-suave gun runner is played by none other than Erika Estrada! That’s right, Ponch himself. Look at me, acting like I’m the world’s biggest Erika Estrada fan. My memory of CHiPs is foggy at best, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in a movie before. But I have to say, his performance in Guns is outstanding.
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nYou know how it didn’t hurt when Cynthia Brimhall decided to wear that sparkly bra/thong combo when she performed the film’s titular ditty? Well, it didn’t hurt that Erika Estrada’s right hand man throughout Guns is played by Danny Trejo. I’m telling you, if you thought the sight of Erika Estrada acting duplicitous was awesome, try picturing him acting like that while Danny Trejo is standing next to him. It doesn’t get any better than this.
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nOh, really? It doesn’t get any better than that, eh? It’s obvious you never seen Kym Malin walk down the streets of Lake Havasu City in a pair of super-tight sea green trousers before.
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nAnyway, after informing a couple of would-be assassins that the ‘s’ in his last name is silent, Juan Degas tells the would-be assassins, Cubby (Chu Chu Malave) and Tito (Richard Cansino), that he wants to hire them.
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nMuch to my displeasure, it’s not Donna (Dona Speir) that he wants dead, but her new partner, Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez). Hey, what happened to Hope Marie Carlton? She’s not in this movie. In fact, Savage Beach was the last Andy Sidaris film she ever appeared in. Did they explain what happened to her character? Nope. Man, that blows. Well, at least Rocky (Lisa London) is back. Um, yeah, about that.
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nIf you remember, I was quite taken with Miss London’s brief appearance in Savage Beach (yeah, I remember). And it looks like she’s still “busting heads and baking bread.” Speaking of remembering stuff, do you recall the scene in Savage Beach when Rocky gets a bread making machine delivered to her restaurant? No? Well, I do. And I appreciated the fact that there’s a reference to Rocky’s bread making in Guns. These films have a tendency to reward attentive viewers.
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nYou won’t believe what happens next. How should put this? Let’s just say Rocky has baked her last loaf of bread. You mean? Yep. On the bright side, she’s killed by two guys dressed in drag. How is that on the bright side? I don’t know, people say weird shit when they’re in mourning. At any rate, instead of killing Nicole, Cubby and Tito, who, like, I said, are dressed in drag, put a bullet in the head of an another brunette (Allegra Curtis), one who just happened to be wearing the same dress Nicole was wearing.
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n”We’re born naked, and the rest is drag.” ― RuPaul
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nAs Cubby and Tito are changing out of their clothes, Juan Degas is testing out a new Chinese made sub-machinegun. How did I know it was “Chinese made”? Oh, I don’t know, the guy selling them was Chinese. (The reliably Chinese George Cheung, a.k.a. the limo driver from The Beach Girls, plays a Chinese gun salesman.) Wrong. It was because the gun had a red and gold, communist-style star on the handle. Wait. What kind of idiot would put a giant red and gold star on a gun? Let it go, man. It’s only a movie.
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nSpotting the assassins leaving the women’s washroom, Nicole has a hunch that the Rocky’s killers weren’t women, but guys dressed as women. This hunch leads to an extended helicopter-airplane chase (yawn). But don’t worry fans of transvestite assassins, Cubby and Tito get away. As expected, this tragic event leads to Lucas (William Bumiller), the leader of a secret network of federal agents, to assemble a team in order to stop Juan Degas’ dastardly plan, which, I guess, involves guns.
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nFinding Edy Stark is a piece of cake, since Lucas, and his sidekick Brown (John Brown), who still hasn’t found a jacket that fits him properly, are stationed in Las Vegas. Am I seeing things, or do Cynthia Brimhall’s boobs look bigger than they were in Picasso Trigger? Hmm, interesting. Either way, I’m placing Kym Malin at the top of this film’s hottie list (she looks amazing in this film). It’s funny you should mention Miss Malin, as Lucas and Brown find Kym (Kym Malin), a.k.a. “Kyller Kym,” and her glistening torso, wrestling against Hug Higgins (Donna Spangler) at “Oil Mania.”
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nAlso on the team are Bruce Christian (Bruce Penhall), Shane Abilene (Michael Shane), and Abe (Chuck McCann) and Ace (Liv Lindeland), who perform a magic act at the Rio Casino.
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nIt’s during the team’s meeting in Lake Havasu City that we get to see Kym Malin in those super-tight sea green trousers I alluded to earlier. Call me, oh, what should I ask others to call me today? Oh, I know. Call me a cantankerous cold sore with three months to live, but I’d rather watch Kym Malin strut about in those super-tight sea green trousers, than watch any of the exhaustive action scenes that take place in this film. Also, the sight of Kym Malin cruising drag bars in a leather bra and fishnets (keep an eye for Sidaris regular Rodrigo Obregón as “Large Marge” during the drag bar sequence), guarding the casino’s rear entrance during the film’s finale, or the part where she contradicts Dona Speir (contradict that narcissistic hosebeast) all made Guns a worthwhile experience.
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nHow are Juan Degas and Tong (the actual name of Danny Trejo’s character), going to be able to stand up to the team Lucas has assembled? I mean, two guys against ten federal agents? It doesn’t seem fair. Well, Juan Degas has a leggy surprise in store for them. A leggy surprise, you say? A leggy surprise. Her name is Cash (Devin DeVasquez), and she desperately wants to kill something. Remember that brunette-on-brunette violence I mentioned earlier? It rears its full-bodied brunette head when Devin DeVasquez (Society) and Cynthia Brimhall go toe-to-toe with one another. Their first encounter involves cattiness, the second involves mirrors, a yellow towel, and a couple of silenced pistols.
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nDon’t forget, Juan Degas still has Cubby and Tito on the payrole. How could I forget them? What’s cool about Cubby and Tito is that they dress in drag in their spare time as well. Hold on. You thought they only dressed in drag when they killed people? No, no. They take cross-dressing very seriously.
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nIf it couldn’t get any worse for Dona Speir, she has to endure being upstaged by the gorgeous Phyllis Davis (Sweet Sugar), who plays the attorney general of Nevada. And get this, we’re supposed to believe that Phyllis Davis is Dona Speir’s mother. Even though Phyllis is at least twenty years older than Dona (so, yeah, the math adds up), I thought, well, let’s just say, their roles could have easily been reversed. Instead of seeing that as yet another slam against Dona Speir, I have chosen to view it as a compliment to Phyllis, who looks terrific with blonde hair. I also dug the pencil skirt/black stockings combination she wears throughout the film, as there’s nothing sexier than a confident woman in her late forties who dresses for success.