2013 masterpiece
Bad Movie Rating: 5/5 (Josh: 5/5; Jeremy: no rating)
Rating: 2/20
Plot: An author becomes a hacker after being struck by a car and damaging one side of his face, a part of him that couldn’t have been hit by the car. Meanwhile, his wife develops an addiction to pain medication and their friends struggle through their marital problems. Also, an old flame–a gal who the author-turned-hacker has been in love with since he was 8 or 9 depending on which part of the script you ask–comes back into his life. A magic shiny rock gives him dreams about being naked inside a room made from garbage bags.
“A paranormal thriller where a computer hacker exposes worldwide secrets.” That’s what the poster says up there. I’m not sure anybody would figure that out until 95% of the movie has already passed them by. The preceding chunk of film is a rambling glimpse at a man struggling to find a plot. There’s so many loose ends with this movie. There’s the love triangle that doesn’t really need to exist. There’s the sometimes-topless daughter of Breen’s character’s friends, a subplot that enters awkwardly and is never really resolved. There’s the friends’ marital issues which never really go anywhere at all except for where they do go which doesn’t make any sense. There’s Breen’s character’s magic powers, the ability to disappear on one side of a door and reappear on the other side which takes slightly longer than just opening the door and walking through would. There’s a kidnapping with a peroxide-soaked handkerchief over a face that never makes much sense and is quickly resolved. There’s unseen book publishers who apparently pressure Breen’s character, but none of that seems to matter. It all leads to a point where Breen, green-screening himself in front of some government building, “exposes worldwide secrets,” an act which leads to a shocking and shockingly funny climax, but there’s really not much to lead up to any of that.
Neil Breen is an auteur. He’s like the bad movie equivalent of David Lynch. And you hopefully know me well enough to know that I mean this as high praise. I love this man and his willingness to throw himself into these projects as producer, writer, director, editor, star, and musical director. It’s a lot for one real estate agent to bite off and chew. Out of the numerous hats he wears, it’s likely the director one that he wears most competently. I’m willing to bet that if the guy had a decent script and a nice budget to work with, he’d wind up with something halfway competent. Instead, he does it all, and it really only works in Neil Breen Land which is located somewhere behind his captivating eyebrows and between his ears.
The hat he wears the most incompetently would either be the acting hat or the storytelling one. I know there are limitations created by a lack of budget as Breen funds his own films, but that doesn’t explain why there are so many threads in these movies. Not that that’s anything I’d want him to change. The shambling world of Neil Breen’s movies are places that I’d want to visit again and again. But they frustrate anybody looking for a coherent story with characters responding in ways that make sense. And Neil Breen the actor? He’s fine when he’s not required to deliver lines or do things like throw a book in anger, kiss a woman, or wake up from a coma like a normal human being would. But watch him do any of those things here, and you’re going to be confused about why anybody would even put this guy in a movie. Well, unless that person making a movie is Neil Breen himself. Then, it all somehow makes sense.
I Am Here….Now was my first Breen movie, and I’m pretty sure whatever Neil Breen movie a person watches first will be the one they end up loving the most. However, this movie is almost up there with The Room as one of the most hilariously awful dramas ever made. It’s really really special and very highly recommended.
Neil Breen is one of my favorite human beings. I want to make that perfectly clear.
