2009 action movie
Rating: 12/20
Plot: Brian, the cop from the first of these movies, is now somehow working for the FBI, and he teams up with his old buddy Dominic to find a heroin kingpin.
So, I watched and enjoyed the first of these movies several years ago, saw the first movie for a second time immediately followed by the Diesel-less sequel while sitting on the old urine couch, and then really had no interest in any of the others. Part of the reason is because of the titles which confuse me.
The Fast and the Furious–No problem here. It’s the title of the original movie Corman-produced movie from the mid-50’s and has some nice alliteration. That’s a great title!
2 Fast 2 Furious–What? Ok, this isn’t confusing at all, but it uses the number instead of the adverb and probably made me lose 2 IQ points 2 Quick just by reading it.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift–The only movie in the franchise with a subtitle. This one is the third in the series but apparently takes place after the sixth in the series. And it doesn’t have a 3 in it. Shouldn’t it be The Fast 3 and 3 Furious: Tokyo 3 Drift or something? No Diesel or Paul Walker in this one?
Fast & Furious–Now I’m completely thrown off. I wasn’t expecting something this simple. Suddenly, Diesel and Walker are back in the picture. And there’s an ampersand. Maybe this is a reboot? Maybe the movies that follow are going to have symbols?
Fast Five–And all of a sudden, I’m forced to wonder if things stop getting furious after the fourth movie which is actually chronologically the third movie. There’s got to be some reason why the title is suddenly only part of the original title with a number. Are there five characters? Are they indeed not furious anymore?
Fast & Furious 6–See, now they’re messing with me. The ampersand returns, along with the word furious, but they’re also using a number. They need to make up their minds.
Furious 7–Come on! Like the fifth one, this loses half of the title. And it has a number only it’s the symbol for the number instead of the spelled-out word. Furious Seven. It makes it seem like a kung-fu movie or something. And maybe it is a kung-fu movie–but with cars!
I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I think I’ve figured out what the title of the 8th installment will be:
Fast 8 Furious: Infinite Drift
If you don’t understand why that’s going to be the title, you’re not smart enough to watch the movie anyway. And if you can’t watch these movies and have a little bit of fun, you probably don’t have a pulse. I didn’t really have any interest in them, but the trailer for the 7th one looked like the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. I was sold though after my buddy Rubber Duck shared his excitement about seeing the new one and waxed poetically about the fifth and sixth movies in the franchise. I was promised something ridiculous, was kind of in the mood for something ridiculous, and I got something ridiculous. I’ve got to hand it to director Justin Lin–the guy knows how to grab your attention in the opener. This opens with an incredibly intense and CGI stunt-filled gas truck heist with the obligatory blurry hot rods, explosions, and a lizard. Does it make any sense at all? No. Do people and vehicles obey the laws of physics? Nope. Does it freakin’ entertain the shit out of you? Absolutely! Sure, there’s some obviously fake CGI vehicular tumbling in there, but this is about as well done as an action scene of this magnitude can be. Unfortunately, it turns out that it’s all a kind of a cinematic premature ejaculation because I don’t think there’s anything that happens later in this that matches the adrenaline-pumping action of that sequence. Things quiet down, an actual plot emerges, there’s stuff like character development and dialogue that just gets in the way, and there are parts where the music is telling me that I’m supposed to be a little sad. Paul Walker’s still nothing more than a pretty face with incredibly pretty eyes, and Vin Diesel is an action figure, all improbable skull and hulking shoulders. When they’re sitting behind the wheels of their cars, they’re fine. When they have to speak and act more like humans? Ehh, it just doesn’t work as well. There are times when Vin Diesel has these lines–or when he’s dissin’ a ho–that inflates his tough guy image, but it’s really not needed. He can be a tough-enough character just by standing there flexing his scalp. The best character in this thing might be a minor character named Dwight, played by Greg Cipes. I’m a sucker for characters who talk about themselves in the third person. This is paced fairly well, but I would have liked to see more of those big action sequences. Some shenanigans in a cave didn’t really do much for me, partially because it just didn’t look as realistic as the stuff with the lizard in the beginning.
