Fantom Kiler 2 (Roman Nowicki, 1999)

nTurn on the smoke machine and dust off your Polish-English phrase book, it’s time once again to enter the shadowy, clothes-optional realm of… the Fantom Kiler. (Wait, didn’t you already watch and review that movie?) You see… (Oh no, don’t tell me, they made a sequel, didn’t they?) Yep, they most certainly did. That’s right, turnip lovers, I finally decided to get off my freshly shaven ass/taint and tackle Fantom Kiler 2 with the full-force of my fucking face. Lacking the rectal wooden spoon antics, janitors with fake mustaches, nonsensical dialogue and the naked barbed-wire fence traversing that made the first film such a goofy delight, writer-director Roman Nowicki is all business in this time around. Resembling a real horror film at times (the key phrase there being “at times”), part two has the Polish police investigating a string of grisly prostitute murders. I know, Polish police investigating crimes, what is this, Polish Law and Order? Well, I don’t know about that (doink doink), but it does feel like that season three episode of Miami Vice where a crazed Vietnam vet is killing dark-haired prostitutes with a ka-bar. (You mean, “The Savage,” a.k.a. “Duty and Honour”?) Yeah, that’s the one. If that particular episode taught us anything (besides the fact that Sonny Crockett looks damn good a dark teal sports coat), it’s that in order to catch a serial killer who is butchering prostitutes, your wisest course of action is to entrap them by using live bait.

nSince the killer seems to be only targeting female prostitutes, that rules out using a male police officer as bait. No, what Detective Uri Polanski needs to do is enlist the help of a female police officer, a shapely female police officer. And that’s where Officer Kinska (Katarzyna Zelnik) comes in.

nSince the scene where Kinska gets tarted up is still a ways away, let’s lavish some praise on the gorgeous Liliana Cybulska in the meantime, shall we?

nAfter listening to some industrial-sounding techno music and enduring a brief scene where the detectives explain what happened in the first flick, we get our first taste of the film’s most attractive cast member. Now, the majority of you will remember that I thought Eliza Borecka was the most attractive woman who appeared in the first movie. But not anymore. For one thing, she doesn’t wander around the woods in nothing but a pair of chunky black heels. Nor does she traverse any barbed wire fences in the buff. Boo!

nSmoking a cigarette in the misty part of town just outside of town, Ramona (Liliana Cybulska), who is wearing is a red wig and a short blue skirt, is waiting for someone to come by and purchase a reasonably priced ticket to ride her pulsating Polish pussy all the way to Poundtown, population, your Polish penis. Suddenly, another Polish prostitute (Magda Szymborska) shows up and tells Ramona a sob story about how she needs to turn tricks to support her family. When the last customer of the evening comes by, Ramoma, a seasoned whore, allows the neophyte sex worker to get in the car.

nLittle does she know, but Ramona, the self-proclaimed “Patron Saint of Prostitutes,” will never see that Polish prostitute alive again.

nBrought in for questioning, Ramona and Det. Polanski have a chat. Since the inside of the police station is not as misty as the misty part of town just outside of town, we get some great shots of Ramona’s outfit. Wearing a short black fur coat, a pink top, white nylons and black high-heel boots, Ramona plops down on the chair in front of Uri’s desk.

nAfter arguing about the merits of prostitution, Ramona decides to have some fun with the humourless detective. Noticing that he can’t stop looking at her legs, Ramona calls out Uri’s gratuitous gam gandering the only way she knows how.

nLifting up her legs and placing them on his desk with a playful thud, Ramona proceeds to entice the detective by stroking her calves in a seductive manner.

nBoasting of their softness like a proud parent, Ramona is relentless when it comes to wielding her legs for erotic purposes. Hiding behind her knees in the most sheepish fashion ever to be recorded on film or video, the wide-eyed Polish prostitute continues to do so until Uri explodes with a weird mix of ecstasy and frustration.

nOkay, and… I’m done. Well, that was a fun movie. Who wants to get rhubarb pie? What do you mean it isn’t over? I don’t care if it’s not over. There’s no way Roman Nowicki can top the leg-tastic splendour that is the scene where Romana, the self-proclaimed Patron Saint of Prostitutes, turns a misogynist fucktard into a quivering bowl of impotent molasses simply by caressing her knees.

nSure, I’m sort of curious to see him try. But throwing one scene after another at us that involve naked chicks with fake-looking tits covered in oil being chased by a faceless killer isn’t exactly going to cut it. That’s true, I don’t know if every scene that takes place after Pani Cybulska’s stem show is going to play out this way. However, the chances they might, given the franchises oily naked chicks being chased pedigree, are pretty freakin’ high.

nWhat’s that? Fine, I’ll continue to type words about this movie. But just to let you know, my heart’s not in it. Just kidding, my heart’s always in it, especially when it comes to movies that shamelessly sport leggy Polish chicks pretending to be prostitutes.

n(C’mon, it’s not that grim, is it? I mean, word on the street is, Katarzyna Zelnik wears a belly chain and strappy black heels at one point.) Yeah, she does. But get this, that’s all she wears. (How is exactly is that a bad thing?) Um, hello? I watch movies to see hot chicks in clothes (this not a porn blog, this is a fashion blog!). Where have you been for the past twenty years? Everybody knows this. So, anyway, the prospect of watching a movie that seems obsessed with filming oiled up naked women being stabbed isn’t all that inviting… I mean, enticing.

nNonetheless, Katarzyna Zelnik’s Officer Kinska is dressed up as a prostitute and sent out into the street. What the… Since when has a coat, a belly chain, and a pair of strappy heels been considered dressing up as a prostitute? Where are the fishnet stockings, the red leather mini-skirt, the zebra print top and the fingerless opera gloves? And don’t give me this nonsense about the police being on a tight budget. I want to see Katarzyna’s legs in fishnet stockings and I want to see them now! Since the film was made some time in the late 1990s, my demand, unfortunately, was not even close to being met.

nEven so, let that be a lesson to all you young filmmakers out there, make sure your prostitutes are dressed like first-rate whores.

nAnyway, the idea is to lure the killer out in the open and then arrest him when he tries to harm the undercover Kinska. Using a radio to keep in contact with her, Uri constantly badgers Linska, telling to act more slutty. Sitting next to Uri is Ramona, who is there to tell him when she sees the killer’s car. Other than the camera pan that went up the entirety of Katarzyna’s body, the stake out since is overlong and dull (Ramona seems to think so too as she yawns several times over the course of the stake out scene).

nWhen the killer finally does get around to stabbing someone, the wounds caused by the retractable knife are non-existent. In other words, the special effects are downright laughable. That being said, the scene where a real prostitute is slashed in the vagina by a large knife with a serrated blade was actually well done, gore-wise. And not only that, the actress playing the real prostitute, Natasza something, is wearing black stockings. So, yeah, the film manages to get at least one thing right.

nWill I be watching part three? Oh, how do I know there’s a part? Trust me, there’s a part three. To answer my own question, it depends. 1) Are the women wearing clothes at any given time? And 2) Is the naturally attractive Liliana Cybulska in it? If part three manages to answer these two questions to my satisfaction, I might watch it.