Enemy Gold (Christian Drew Sidaris, 1993)

nThe debate I had with myself over whether or not I should include Enemy Gold (a.k.a. Opération panthère noire), co-written and directed by Christian Drew Sidaris, in my unnecessarily exhaustive examination of Andy Sidaris’ filmography was truly epic. Massively epic. Exceedingly epic. You get get the idea? Good. Nonetheless, I think the moment I uttered the words, “co-written and directed by Christian Drew Sidaris,” was when everyone out there got clued in as to why the debate was so freakin’ intense. Is this an Andy Sidaris film? It’s included in the reasonably priced “Girls, Guns and G-Strings : The Andy Sidaris Collection.” That’s true, but this particular film isn’t written or directed by Andy Sidaris (the man responsible for classics such as Guns, Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach and Fit to Kill), it was, like I’ve said twice already, co-written and directed by Christian Drew Sidaris, Andy’s son. When I noticed that Andy and his wife Arlene Sidaris were listed as producers, I started to think: As long as there’s a Sidaris behind the camera, it’s still an Andy Sidaris film. And while I won’t say the decision to watch Enemy Gold was the smartest decision I’ve ever made, I will say this: I didn’t completely regret the decision after the end credits began to roll.

nBoasting the same formula that has driven every Andy Sidaris production that preceeded it, the film has fake boobs, guns and explosions. In other words, the formula hasn’t been tampered with. Technically, this film is the first Andy Sidaris production to not feature Dona Speir as its star. Which is a good thing. But don’t forget, it’s also the first Andy Sidaris production without the gorgeous Cynthia Brimhall. Which is a bad thing.

nHow will the house that fake boobs and terrible acting built survive such a monumental shake-up in its cast? It’s simple, really, hire more bimbos. Wait, that didn’t come out right. What I meant to say is, grab a Playboy Magazine (nothing older than a year), open it to any random page, and point. And looks like, Suzi Simpson, Playboy’s Playmate of the Month for January, 1992, and Tanquil Lisa Collins, Playboy model and the former Miss Virginia USA, 1983, are the one’s they pointed at.

nNow, did they ask them if they could recite scripted dialogue in a semi-convincing manner or express various types of emotions on cue before casting them? Who am I kidding? Of course they didn’t. They were willing to appear onscreen without their clothes on and that’s that. Though, I have to wonder, why no bush? I mean, out of all the Andy Sidaris movies I’ve watched over the past couple of years, I don’t think I’ve seen a single vagina. I know, it’s pretty distressing.

nNonetheless, while their acting isn’t quite up to par in terms of being even remotely adequate, they are attractive, I’ll give them that. Which, I guess, is all that really matters at the end of the day. I don’t know why, but just the mere act of writing that last sentence has managed to fill my heart.with sadness.

nYou see what you have done, Mr. Sidaris, you have reduced me to a sniveling mouth-breather who only wants to watch movies that feature attractive people doing dumb shit in and around Dallas, Texas.

nUgh, listen to me, I sound like such a baby. Mwah, I don’t like fake boobs. Boo-hoo, I’m not a big fan of awful acting. Wah, wah, I think films should be competently made. Give it a rest.

nSpeaking of awful acting, Enemy Gold possesses what has to be one of the worst line readings I’ve ever heard audibly expressed in a motion picture. In fact, forget about all that talk about debating with myself whether or not I should classify this as an Andy Sidaris film or not. When I heard the delivery of this particular line, my eyes lit up and I said to myself: Oh, I’m definitely reviewing this film. And get this, the line is uttered by someone who I consider to be one of the sexiest women ever to appear in an Andy Sidaris-produced motion picture.

nWhat’s that? You want me to tell you who I’m talking about? Oh, I’m sorry, I was just trying to build up the suspense. Actually, the real reason I’m stalling is that I’m not quite sure who performed the horrendous line reading. I know, it’s crazy. But that’s what happens when you list your characters as “Dancer #1” and “Dancer #2” in the closing credits.

nIs it safe to assume that because the stripper on the right has more lines than the stripper on the left, that she would be known as “Dancer #1.” You know what? Since I can’t find any other way to tell them apart, I’m officially declaring Stacy Lynn Brown to be the actress who utters the worst line reading in movie history.

nI promise to go into more detail about the line reading in question later on. In meantime, let’s discuss the ins and outs of Enemy Gold, shall we? Opening in 1865, during a battle in the American Civil War, we follow two Confederate soldiers, who are riding through the woods on horseback. Did they fight any major battles in Texas during the American Civil War? Nevertheless, the two soldiers are carrying gold bars they stole from the Yankees. Unable to continue, one of the soldiers, the one who isn’t wounded, buries the gold by a tree and marks the spot by plunging a knife into said tree.

nFlash-forward to moderns times, and we’re in the parking lot of Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. Suddenly, a pair of female legs attached to a pair of white pumps appear onscreen. Testing the integrity of the pavement of Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport parking lot, the white pumps grind into the asphalt using the classic heel toe method. I gotta hand it to him, Sidaris Jr. definitely knows a thing or two about how to win this viewer over, as I’m loving these pervy camera angles.

nSure, the Civil War opening was a bit of a drag, but the shot of Suzi Simpson’s legs making their way to a white Corvette parked in the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport parking lot definitely made up for it.

nAfter watching her drive for awhile, Suzi Simpson eventually arrives at her destination. The building she breaks into boasts two male federal agents. Managing to subdue one of the male agents, Suzi Simpson grabs his gun. Unfortunately, she is unable to subdue the other one. It doesn’t matter, though, because the federal agent she subdued is Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall), a former flame, and the one she couldn’t subdue, that’s Mark Austin (Mark Barriere).

nThe first thing that struck me about these two guys is their aversion to sleeves. The second thing is… Oh, wait, there is no second thing. You see, for there to be a second thing to strike me, their characters would have to fleshed out a bit more. And believe me, they’re not fleshed out at all.

nThe cool thing about Suzi Simpson is that her character’s name is Becky Midnite. On the downside, however, her fake breasts not only mitigate her legginess, they don’t match her body type. Did I mention that Becky Midnite is a federal agent, too? I didn’t? Well, she totally is.

nI liked when it Becky says, “Sounds like an old boyfriend,” after Chris tells her the arrows for the crossbow he is holding explode three seconds after penetration. You get it? It’s a double entendre. This film has plenty of them, but that one was my favourite, as it implies that Chris’ penis ejaculates sperm three seconds after it has penetrated a vagina. Ha! Ha! You can’t control the implementation of your orgasm.

nIt’s a good thing Becky Midnite showed up when she did, as Chris and Mark are about to take down some drug dealers. Using Becky, who has since changed into a pair of cut-off jean shorts and a black tank top, as a diversionary tactic, Chris and Mark poke around a barn filled with watermelons that are stuffed with bags of cocaine, while she flirts with a shotgun-wielding henchman.

nA decisive gun battle takes, one that ends with Becky using the crossbow whose arrows explode three seconds after penetration; I knew there was a reason they were talking so much about that crossbow.

nKilling two henchmen and capturing another two, you would think Chris, Mark and Becky’s superiors would be quite pleased by this turn of events. Wrong! The aptly named Dickson (Alan Abelew) is actually very upset that he wasn’t informed of this action, and promises to report them to Washington.

nOkay, I’ve stalled long enough. Here comes the scene. Dancing on the stage at Cowboy’s Club and Restaurant are two of the hottest strippers I have ever seen. Only, they’re not really stripping, they’re learning how to strip. And get this, personal fave and Sidaris regular, Kym Malin, is the one teaching them how. Overseeing this on the job training is the owner of the club, Santiago (Rodrigo Obregón), who is watching their every move.

nIf the white lacy suspender-hose get-up Angela Wright (a.k.a. Dancer #2) is wearing looks familiar, that’s because Cynthia Brimhall wears the exact same outfit in Do or Die. Now, I don’t want to get into an argument with myself over who looked better in said outfit. But I will say this, Angela Wright has the sexiest legs to ever appear in the Sidaris universe.

nAfter getting in a heated discussion with Dickson, who, to the surprise of no one, is on Santiago’s payroll, over the watermelon/cocaine debacle (Dickson is supposed to prevent such things from happening), the “two-bit Bolivian drug dealer who thinks he’s Al Capone” (Dickon’s words, not mine), heads backstage to unwind.

nAsking Kym Malin, who is brushing her hair, “Where are the girls?,” she tells him they’re in the shower. Pulling the shower curtain open, Stacey Lynn Brown turns around and says, “What’s up?,” to which Santiago replies, “I am.” Now, as far as double entendres go, it’s not the greatest. What is great, however, is how mind-bogglingly terrible Stacy’s delivery of the line, “What’s up?

nWhile most people probably watch the threesome that transpires between Santiago and the two dancers in the shower over and over again. I, on the other hand, must have played Stacy’s “What’s up?” ten times in a row. Of course, I am, in no way, blaming Stacy for this line reading fiasco. Someone, like, say, the director, should have stepped in and helped Stacy deliver the line more effectively.

nTired of getting his lucrative illegal drug business thrown off track by a trio of meddling federal agents, Santiago enlists the help of an assassin named Jewel Panther, who, of course is played the amazing Julie Strain. As much as these films suck, I always look forward to seeing Julie Strain. Whether head-butting losers outside cowboy-themed strip bars or blowing up park rangers while wearing leopard-print bikinis, Julie Strain never fails to deliver the goods.

nLet me quickly check to make sure I didn’t forget anything, ’cause I want to wrap this thing up. Oh, Tanquil Lisa Collins (a.k.a. Tai Collins) plays Ava Noble, Chris, Mark and Becky’s boss in Washington, D.C. She wears black stockings, lounges in nighties, and talks tough in business clothes. (Is that it?) Yep, it looks like it.