This first third is almost a Carry On film as Elizabeth and Lady-In-Waiting Bess Throckmorton (Abbie Cornish) jest, joke, and eagerly assess every male about them, from Rush’s aging Walsingham to some pimply German git who comes as a male order husband, whilst evidently preferring each-other in the bath. Raleigh comes heaven-sent, and Elizabeth uses Bess and Walt as meat-puppets to enact her cheated romance, then has the gall to get mad when they have one of those dissolve-riddled montage sex scenes in front of a fireplace. Meanwhile, Philip II of Spain (Jordi Molla) and his Catholic ministers stalk dark churches, hiss and spit and plot. You can tell they’re the baddies because they wear black. They plan righteous fury as the Armada is built, and manipulate a plot that will force Elizabeth into executing Mary, Queen of Scots (Samantha Morton) and thus provide a pretext for invasion. Morton, given about six lines of dialogue, tries to make up for it by twisting her face up and spitting words out in random accentuations, before getting put out of her misery by a guy with an axe.
When the Armada arrives, there’s a hopelessly romanticized version of the Battle of Gravelines where Walter personally Luke Skywalkers the fleet with a fire ship, with a little help from a Divine Wind. All of this actually makes the film entertaining in its first and final quarters – the unpretentious urge to go for broke and make grand romantic-adventure nonsense can be felt straining behind every scene, and busts loose in the bizarrely beautiful battle. Unfortunately, the complete lack of depth to the historical background or to any character other than the histrionic Elizabeth results in the middle half becoming an intolerable mix of will-they-or-won’t-they romantic tension and lazy attempts to recreate the Machiavellian atmosphere of the original, featuring Rhys Ifans as the least scary super-assassin in film history. Rush’s Walsingham has been sucked of juice by age and his deathbed scene is so cursory it’s an offense to the arts of good dramatic fulfillment. Morton’s Dadaist contribution is immaterial. It also lacks the sexy, violent boldness of the first episode, and the villains are all ridiculous shadows of Ecclestone’s Norfolk. Blanchett also gives a weirdly perfunctory version of the Tilbury speech, curtailed (is “I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman etc” too politically incorrect for this faux-feminist film that still portrays the end result of a powerful woman refusing to marry as loneliness, sexual frustration, and bitch queen wrath?) and so clunkily staged a piece of grandstanding (Blanchett’s horse won’t stand still), it could have been a satire staged for Extras.