Do or Die (Andy Sidaris, 1991)

nWell, it’s official. I’m tired of seeing Dona Speir topless. If I have to watch another movie that features a bunch of braindead chicks with unattractively large breasts being chased across the desert by incompetent assassins, I’m going to scream. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you don’t have to watch anything. What are you talking about? Don’t watch them. Yeah, but, the collection I received boasts a total of twelve movies. You know you don’t have to watch them all, right? Oh, I’m aware that I don’t have to. But what if the Andy Sidaris film I decide to skip is the one that has a gaggle of tiny-tittied women with shapely legs shooting small calibre pistols at helicopters from the relative discomfort of a moving jeep? Tiny tits? Shapely legs? You might come across the latter, but there’s no way Andy Sidaris would allow a woman who has small boobs to appear in one of his films. If memory serves me correctly, I recall seeing several women in Malibu Express who had smallish breasts. You’re right, but that film came out in 1985. In other words, it was a different time; natural was in then. This, however, is 1991, and skinny women with no hips and enormous jugs are, unfortunately, all the rage. You can wade through the rest of Andy’s expansive oeuvre hoping you might stumble across something that scratches your particular brand of perverted itchiness. But to be honest, you’re probably better off firing up season one of Silk Stalkings again. You know what? As long Cynthia Brimhall is in these movies, I’m going to continue to watch them. Anyway, what’s this one called? Oh, yeah, it’s called Do or Die, and sadly, it has nothing to do with The Human League song of the same name. Do they even play the song in the film? Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll admit, that was pretty ridiculous. I mean, really? The chances of hearing the music of The Human League in an Andy Sidaris film is about as plausible as seeing Dona Speir do anything in a semi-convincing manner.
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nIs every paragraph of this review going to start and end with a spiteful comment directed towards Dona Speir? Maybe. What’s it to you? Nothing. It’s just that you should really think about not watching anymore film’s that star Dona Speir. Yeah, I guess that would be the sensible thing to do. But I’m not going to let Dona Speir, or Pandora Peaks for that matter, ruin my self-induced Andy Sidaris marathon. You know that almost all his films star Dona Speir? Yeah, the keyword there being “almost.” There’s going to be a time when Dona Speir stops appearing in Andy Sidaris film, and when that time comes, I’m going to be there, dancing up a Dona-free storm.
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nI don’t know who told Dona Speir she was sexy, but the swagger she exudes does not reflect the level of hotness she is putting out there. The same goes for Roberta Vasquez, who displays none of the tight-panted allure she exuded in Picasso Trigger. In fact, you could say that Roberta is getting less appealing with every subsequent film. Maybe she’s been hanging around Dona Speir too long? Now that’s just mean. Though, I have to say, I like this new catty vibe you’re putting out there.
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nWhat can I say? Not everyone deserves to be on the receiving end of the unique brand of praise I dole out on a regular basis. Some people are awful, and Do or Die is filled with people who are just that, awful. I would even go as far as to say that this is the worst Andy Sidaris film I’ve seen so far.
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nYou can tell right away that this entry in the Andy Sidaris canon is going to lack the qualities that made his previous films so enjoyable by the rushed nature of the opening scene. Taking place at some kind of luau, one that featured authentic-looking Hawaiian dancing and costumes, Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) are confronted by Kane (Pat Morita), and his two henchmen, Lew (James Lew) and Chen (Eric Chen), who tells the ladies that he plans on killing them. Why? For causing him so much misery and grief. Duh. Seriously, though, I guess they hamper his ability to perform illegal activities with comfort level in which he is accustomed.
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nInstead of killing them right then and there (that would, as he says, “undermine my reputation for fair play”), Kane informs them that six teams of assassins (none of which are transgender) are going to be unleashed on their asses.
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nWhat’s the first thing Donna and Nicole do after they have been told that they’re in a “do or die situation”? They jump in the hot tub. Getting in touch with Lucas (William Bumiller), the big cheese, via their hot tub adjacent satellite phone, he recommends that they head over to Las Vegas.
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nMeanwhile, Kane, with the help of his lovely assistant Silk (Carolyn Liu), sends the first team of assassins their way. But don’t worry, two guys in a helicopter, Duke and Woody, are no match for Donna and Nicole, who blow them out of the sky with their cane/rocket launcher. If you’re wondering how Kane is able to keep tabs on Donna and Nicole (the first team of assassins found them rather easily), he planted a tracking device in Donna’s watch when she wasn’t looking. And every time the assassins would fail to accomplish their task, and believe me, they all fail in spectacular fashion, Silk’s computer would beep.
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nI’m officially declaring the exasperated look on Pat Morita’s face every time Silk’s computer would beep to be my favourite thing about Do or Die. Why’s that? It’s simple, as he’s usually in the middle of giving or receiving a shiatsu massage when the beeping occurs.
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nThe sight of Carolyn Liu sitting at her computer in clothing that is atypical of computer usage is up there as well (she wears mini-dresses and pearls, as supposed to stain-covered sweatpants). Though, it should be said that Carolyn at her computer and Pat Morita’s exasperation face kind of go hand in hand.
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nYou would think that Ava Cadell as an assassin named Ava would be up there in terms of greatness. But other than putting on a white thong-tard and a pair of leather trousers in a seductive manner and uttering the line, “you drive, I’ll shoot,” Ava is a bit of a bust (no pun intended).
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nI didn’t care for Erik Estrada as Rico, an army officer Lucas hires to help protect Donna and Nicole. I much prefer it when he’s the bad guy, as the smirking jack ass he plays in this film was no fun at all. The same goes for Bruce Penhall as Bruce Christian, Michael Shane as Shane Abeline, and even Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino as a couple of bumbling assassins. You sort of expect Penhall and Shane to suck, but Chu Chu and Richard were so memorable as the transvestite assassins in Guns. That being said, Chu Chu and Michael do exchange a fist bump at one point. So what? People bump fists all the time. Yeah, but, I had no idea people were bumping fists in 1991, as I always thought the custom was a more recent invention.
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nThe film’s four sex scenes, even the one that takes place between Cynthia Brimhall and William Bumiller, were tired and lame. Free tip: If you fast-forward past the sex scenes, the film goes from being a ninety minute slog to a spirited hour long jaunt through the woods. Wait a second. Fast-forward past the sex scenes?!? What a novel idea. Yeah, it’s great. Try doing it with pornography. Anytime a sex scene starts up, just hit that fast-forward button. You’ll be amazed by how much time you can save.
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nWhere’s Kym Malin when you need her? Where’s who? You know who. The hot chick in the super-tight sea green trousers from Guns, the untamed cowgirl from Picasso Trigger, and the…well, you get the idea. I’m afraid she’s not in this movie. What the fuck? Now, I don’t know if the blonde with the huge tits is supposed to be Kym’s replacement, but this Pandora Peaks person is probably the least talented woman to walk the face of the earth. I wonder why Andy Sidaris decided to cast her? She can’t even stand still right. Bizarre.
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nLuckily, Cynthia Brimhall shows up just in the nick of time to perform a country and western song called “Down on the Bayou” in a sexy white cowgirl outfit. Yee-haw! White stockings! Yee-haw! White garters! You rock, Cynthia!
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nBelieve or not, nothing really of interest happens in Do or Die after the scene at the country and western bar until Cynthia Brimhall tries to operate a microwave oven.
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nThe biggest let down about Do or Die were the assassins. That, and the fact the film takes place mostly in the woods outside Shreveport, L.A. No offense to Lake Caddo, but it doesn’t have the same picturesque quality as Molokai. Getting back to the assassins for a second, they’re so bland. And get this, out of the ten assassins thrown Donna and Nicole’s way, only one was played a hot chick. I mean, that right there should tell you that this film is not running on all cylinders. A rare misstep from the fine folks at Malibu Bay Films.