Father's Day (Astron-6, 2011)

nYou’re watching a low budget, high concept cinematic love letter to incest, unorthodox chainsaw usage, daddy rape, transvestism, maple syrup, cock-based cannibalism, taint rearranging synth flourishes and black stockings, then, virtually out of nowhere, the lattice of coincidence that lays on top of everything decides to throw a plate of shrimp directly in your face. Seriously, as Twink (the hunky Conor Sweeney) tries his hand at heterosexuality, I spotted a plate of shrimp. Of course, I wouldn’t say the moment the plate of shrimp appears on-screen was the moment I became officially enamoured with Father’s Day, the gory sleaze-fest from Astron-6 that will no doubt cause you think twice the next time you have a hankering to take your penis out for recreational purposes. No, I’d say the exact moment came when we get a wonderfully warranted camera pan down one of the sexy, black stocking-encased legs attached to the equally sexy Chelsea (Amy Groening, the chick who sang O Canada badly but acted like she nailed in the movie Goon). However, I took the plate of shrimp incident to be a subtle message to not just fans of Repo Man, but to all those who appreciate the finer things in life. And, as most people know, the finer things in life include: Incest, unorthodox chainsaw usage, daddy rape, transvestism, maple syrup, cock-based cannibalism, taint rearranging synth flourishes and black stockings.

nLooking over the finer things I just cited, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the concept of daddy rape as a finer thing. I mean, call me overly sensitive, but I think daddy rape is wrong. That being said, the idea of a demented sicko with ties to the cannibalism and Satanism communities running around town raping and killing fathers is inherently funny. Okay, maybe it’s not roll around on the carpet funny, but it’s definitely an interesting idea for a movie.

nAnd the cool thing about the Fuchman (Mackenzie Murdock), the cannibalistic fatherfucker in question, is that you don’t have to look like Ward Cleaver for him to rape and kill you. Uh-uh, if you have impregnated a human female, you will quickly find that your beloved asshole is no longer a one way street. Meaning, your… What’s that? You know what I mean? Oh, good.

nAnyway, for those who don’t know what I mean: Every man who has fertilized an egg recently better keep tabs on their precious anuses, because the Fuchman straight-up wants to destroy the structural integrity of your rectum by pounding into it with his scabby, hormone-addicted sore of a penis.

nAs the film opens, we see some unfortunate soul’s anus being pounded in the very fashion I just unnecessarily described. Body parts being sawed off, entrails being consumed, anuses being pounded into hamburger, Father’s Day declares itself as a squeamish-free zone right from the get-go.

nAfter a pretty kick ass opening titles sequence, the film sets about fleshing out the character of Twink (Coner Sweeney), a male prostitute with some mild to moderate daddy issues. And we get some insight into these issues almost immediately when we see Twink, via flashback, being driven to work by his dad. And by “work,” I mean the nearest street corner.

nWhen Twink gets out of his dad’s car, he’s says something to affect of “fuck you.” Well, those will be Twink’s last words spoken to his dad, as Twink’s dad is about to come face-to-face with the Fuchman. However, you shouldn’t take the term “face-to-face” too literally, as the dads rarely ever face the Fuchman, as he prefers to mount them from behind.

nDosed with gasoline, the Fuchman sets Twink’s dad on fire (fuck ’em and set ’em on fire, that’s the Fuchman way). And since people who are set on fire aren’t usually the type to sit still and burn to death, Twink’s dad runs screaming from his house, where a shocked Twink looks on in horror. It’s at this moment that Astron-6 team unleash the mother of all synth flourishes. Seriously, the synth flourish employed at this moment is off the charts in terms of being a deep, penetrating attack of synthy goodness.

nIntroduced to one character with a grudge against the Fuchman, it’s time to meet another. And that one just happens to be Father John Sullivan (Matthew Kennedy), a young idealistic priest who’s been put in charge of looking after the now fatherless Twink. Unable to get through to Twink, Father Sullivan confides with Father O’Flynn (Kevin Anderson), a blind priest dying in the church basement.

nIt’s here that Father Sullivan is told to go out and find Ahab (Adam Brooks), the only man who can stop the Fuchman. And, after scouring the globe, Father Sullivan discovers Ahab living in a cabin in the woods. Content with tapping trees and making maple syrup, Ahab doesn’t seem all that interested in being pulled back into the daddy anus compromising world of the Fuchman (he’s been down that road before). But, after wearing him down, Father Sullivan somehow manages to convince Ahab to get back on the horse.

nAnd just like that, a male prostitute, a priest and a bearded man with an eye-patch walk into a strip club looking for The Father’s Day Killer, a.k.a. The Cannibal Man Killer, The Fat Boy Fucker and The Cannibal Cock Killer.

nWell, Ahab walks into the strip club, Father Sullivan is waiting in the car (“Don’t ever call a man a tree”), and Twink hasn’t joined the team yet. At any rate, the reason Ahab is at the strip club, The Low Life Club, is to see Chelsea (Amy Groening), his long lost sister and a bit of a Fuchman expert in her own right; after all, her father was raped and murdered by the Fuchman, too.

nThe black garter belt suspender tearing across thigh flesh we see as Ahab goes backstage at the Low Life Club doesn’t belong to Chelsea, but to a character credited as “The Chainsaw Ripper (Zsuzsi). But don’t worry, we see Chelsea wearing lingerie (black stockings and a garter belt) seconds later. Whew!

nOh, and if you’re worried that Father Sullivan might be feeling left out–you know, since his father wasn’t raped and murdered by the Fuchman–don’t, as Father O’Flynn should be getting a visit from the Fuchman any minute now. I know, Father O’Flynn isn’t technically his father, but he is a “father figure” to the young priest, and in the topsy-turvy world of raping and murdering fathers, that’s close enough.

nThe synth flourish that accompanies the delivery of Father O’Flynn’s severed head in a box is as thick and robust as a well-aimed volley of explosive diarrhea.

nIt’s when Twink’s friend Walnut (Garrett Hnatiuk) gets his penis bitten off and consumed by the Fuchman (seconds after he announces that his girlfriend is pregnant), that Ahab starts to get serious about killing the Fuchman. It’s not that he cares about Walnut or his penis (which is passing through the Fuchman’s digestive system as we speak), but the fact that his sister almost fell victim to the Fuchman.

nIn order to distract Detective Stegel (Brent Neale), who is always sniffing around, Chelsea flashes some black stocking top adjacent thigh skin at him. Working like a charm, Ahab and Twink, and later Father Sullivan, are able to team up and form the ultimate Fuchman busting outfit this side of Wawa.

nDirt road car chases, campfire stories, kung-fu flashbacks, chainsaw-wielding strippers, toe painting, do it yourself penis alteration, abandoned water parks, a trailer for Star Raiders, a plate of shrimp, sexual confusion, motel sex (incestuous motel sex), peppering Satanists with copious amounts of gunfire, dream sequences, heavenly angels in stockings (the dark-haired angel lurking/beckoning in the background on the left in the black garter belt without panties was sexy as hell), and a trip to Hell, Father’s Day delivers all this and more, as the final third is packed to the gills with copious amounts of scum-laden weirdness.

nWill the Fuchman, a.k.a. the Fuchmanicus, ever be stopped, who’s to say? All I know is, if I was a teenage girl, I would have a poster of Twink in my locker at school. Syrupsly, I love a man who can rock a pink headband.