The Sex Is Crazy (Jess Franco, 1981)

nLet’s start off by asking the question that’s probably on everyone’s mind, and that is: Why does the mineral water Lina Romay is attempting to drink near the end of The Sex Is Crazy (El Sexo Esta Loco) failing to get past her succulent lips? You would think she would have learned how to ingest liquids by now (given the fact that she’s a grown woman). But she doesn’t seem to have a clue as to how to orally deposit her beverage without causing certain non-mouth-related areas to become engorged with unforeseen wetness. Unless, of course, the untoward spillage was done on purpose. Well, if that’s the case, then I feel like I must apologize to Jess Franco (Faceless), the writer-director responsible for this head-scratching mess of a movie, for doubting his artistic fortitude. Truth be told, the second I saw that the tiny droplets of mineral water that were trickling down her curvy body like a raging river were being followed by Jess Franco’s camera as they trickled was the moment I knew that this movie is nothing but an elaborate rouse to get us to look at the beautiful vagina attached to the supple frame belonging to Lina Romay (credited as Candy Coster). And I’m not just talking about a casual peek, this is a sustained close-up shot of her petrified crotch forest (a third degree burn in terms of crevice shots). The best part of this whole sequence was when the travelling moisture finally arrives at the hairy gates of her heavenly tunnel, as you can just make out the water as it penetrates her bush (weaving its way through the undergrowth like a jungle explorer in search of clitoral riches). Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your point of view, the water is absorbed by the sheer thickness of the carpeting. In case you’re wondering, the reason I’m talking about Lina Romay’s vagina, and not about the film’s plot or my aversion to ear wax, is because I love her genitals. Seriously, I love them, especially when they’re framed by a garter belt and black silk stockings.
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nActually, part of the reason for the nonsense I just spewed has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not quite sure what the film is supposed to be about. Let me rephrase that. I don’t think anyone, not even Jess Franco himself, knows what The Sex Is Crazy is supposed to about. If you see a synopsis for the film, it’s a good chance the person either copied it from someone else or simply made it up.
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nI’m not even sure why the film needed to be subtitled, as every word uttered in it is complete gibberish. Oh, sure, a couple of passages here and there were on the cusp of making sense. But, for the most part, I was in the proverbial dark.
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nIt starts off pretty straightforward: A group of silver-skinned aliens are about to commence impregnating Mrs. Foncesca (Lina Romay) on a metal slab. You see, the aliens have highly evolved penises, and can produce a child within seven seconds of insemination. Instructed by female robot voice, the penises line up and are given a number. “Penis one, penis two, penis three, penis four… Prepare to penetrate captured earthling vagina,” the female robot voice tells them. After a bunch of babies are born, an audience filled with deformed monsters starts to applaud. Straightforward? Yes. But still. What’s going on here? Oh-oh, it looks like Jess Franco is trying to satirize something. Only problem is, I haven’t the slightest idea what he’s attempting to mock/ridicule.
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nWhy don’t you stop whining about not knowing what the film is about and enjoy the sight of Lina Romay (Ilsa, The Wicked Warden) sitting on the toilet. After all, she’s wearing nothing but a pair of barely pulled up hold-up stockings and a pearl necklace. Wait a minute. If they’re not holding up, they can’t possibly be called “hold-up stockings,” now can they? You got me. But they were languishing somewhere just above the knee, so they were sort of holding up, just not in the thigh-caressing manner that I am accustomed.
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nSpeaking of stockings, Antonio Mayans (Macumba Sexual) is putting a black stocking onto one of the legs connected to a thick milf lying on a bed.
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nThere’s a mildly humourous subplot involving a naked woman named Rosalinda (Laura García), who’s apparently the producer’s girlfriend. Again, I’m not quite sure what it’s supposed to mean. But the fact that she’s always introduced as “the producer’s girlfriend” induced one or two chuckles.
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nAfter being unsuccessfully drugged by Mr. Flanagan (Antonio Rebollo), Lina puts on a red leopard print top, grabs a gun and heads out for the evening. Tracking Mr. Flanagan to a casino, The Sex Is Crazy suddenly turns into a spy thriller, as Lina is tied to a chair and tortured by a couple of naked Argentinians. As they poke her with forks, Antonio Mayans, the thick milf, Mr. Flanagan, and Jess Franco look on with exhausted bemusement. Oh, wait. Antonio Mayans does get up at one point to move Lina’s dress; exposing more stocking-covered leg in the process. Thank you, Antonio Mayans.

nWaking from a dream, one that involved having sex with Mr. Flanagan in his car (her thigh-adjacent stockings entering the frame every so often), Lina stands naked on the balcony of her hotel. It’s true, this scene is a classic example of Jess Franco getting his scenery porn on. But the size and shape of Lina’s bum is remarkable; it’s like a perfect circle split down the middle.
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nA fourway marriage between Lina Romay, Antonio Mayans, Lynn Endersson (the thick milf), and Antonio Rebollo takes up a sizable chunk of time.
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nThe question: Why am I watching this? was something I was constantly asking myself as I struggled to comprehend what exactly was transpiring in this film. Then it dawned on me, the reason I’m watching is to see Lina Romay sit crossed-legged in stockings while wearing open-toed shoes. When that moment does occur (it happens just as the fourway marriage is starting to lose its appeal), I felt as if my time hadn’t been totally wasted. And isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day?
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nThere are plenty of Jess Franco films floating around of there that boast Lina Romay lounging around in her underwear, and The Sex Is Crazy, unfortunately, isn’t one of the better ones. Strictly for Jess Franco/Lina Romay completists.