Where’s Sarah Palin when you need her?
Lo, the legends tell that in the dark years of the millennium’s turn, there did live a shitty filmmaker known as Roland of Emmerich. And he did make unto the dark gods many a graven image of a blockbuster, some bearable, others like demons in their nature, oily, low, and illiterate. And he did make a film barely an hour and a half long, but yet did feel like three, telling of the ancient times, when all humans were hippies, peaceful in their stick-and-stone abodes, at one with nature. Except for the mammoths, whose big furry asses they did eat. But woe unto the tribe of Dreadlock Dude (Steven Strait) and Good-Teeth Girl (Camilla Belle), when the mysterious four-legged demons of the north snatch her away, forcing Dude and his homies to follow. Whence they did clash with many strange animals that ought to have been extinct, and with the harsh elements of montage, and with the screenplay that had been written on a cocktail napkin.
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“We have to wait here, they’re shooting The Hobbit on the other side of this hill.”
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When getting Thanksgiving dinner was an extreme sport…
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…and cat ownership wasn’t for sissies.
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And lo, the villains are meanies, like the slave-master who doth tell Good-Teeth Girl; “I like your spirit, but I will have to break it.” Whereupon he whips her, and then he takes her to his palace and has her wrapped her in his finest silks, but finds she still won’t put out for some reason.
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Kong! Kong!
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The baddies did work for a mysterious being of great knowledge, from Atlantis so it is suggested, but also possibly from Mu-Mu, too. And he did know much of the arts of astronomy, and architecture, and how to cavort, rant, and hiss effeminately like a true movie villain.
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In this early instance of the culture war, the oppressed masses resent their overlords for their skills in science, art, construction, and fancy-pants Harvard law degrees.
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But lo! Dude did bring together the many tribes of Africa, who always need a lighter-skinned being to command them, and they did attack and cleverly destroy the budding civilisation, with battle tactics consisting of pissing off mammoths.
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Mammoths, successfully pissed off.
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Joy unto the slaves, as the baddies are brought down with much spear-waving and shouting, and Dreadlock Dude and Good-Teeth Girl did run to each-other in slow motion, with both sets of bosom a-jiggling. And they all did jiggle together.
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Something for everyone here.
For freeing the peoples of many lands, the black guys gave unto Dreadlock Dude the seed of the toker’s weed, and much joy was known throughout the land henceforth. And Dude set about inventing the Monaro, so he could make out with Girl on the back seat of it.
And who did write this screenplay, known through all the lands for its lack of character and story development, its superfluous dialogue, and total lack of dramatic passion? “We!” sayeth Emmerich and Harold Kloser. And who did waste his time by shooting this film with much beauty? “I!” sayeth Ueli Steiger. And who did produce it? “Us!” quoth the sixteen credited men. And though he does shoot action well, and spectacle with skill, woe unto the wicked king Emmerich for not caring at all about the arts of the dramaturge, for his days of dark rule may be ending lo.
